Sometimes you don't know how you feel about someone until it is too late. Your heart tells you so after some news that makes the truth unavoidable. He's dating someone else.
There's a scene from my latest TV obsession, "How I Met Your Mother," season 4 - where Ted confesses to ex-girlfriend, Stella, his envy of her happiness with her fiance, and the happiness and security he recognizes in the unions around him. "I want that," he says, "and I'm tired of waiting."
One of the reasons I love this show so much is because of how much I relate to Ted's search. As much as I try to deny it, I think there is a hopeless romantic somewhere in me. And although years of waiting has made some of those dreams of finding someone I'm excited about grow dim, deep down I want to believe that it's still possible. Might there be someone I can connect with and laugh with and feel excited about? My head has told me to be prepared for something else. But there are moments where your heart exposes that vulnerable hope that you have tried so hard to protect. And it gives one pause to wonder -- Did I miss the boat? As I figure myself out and am a slow learner in this area, will there be anyone left? And of course, the most tempting question of all: What's wrong with me?
My head believes that there is someone out there. It even believes that I'm right where I'm supposed to be right now, and that all of this is preparing me for the realization of all of those hopes in a way beyond what I can conceive at this moment. But my heart's hope is not there yet. And as a soldier must continue to fight even with fresh wounds, I know my call is to keep pressing forward. Someday my heart and head will be in the same place.
Meanwhile, I want to believe that he, whoever he is, is getting here as fast as he can.
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