Chosen or Loser?

I love watching award shows. I'm a sucker, not just because I'm somewhat obsessed with entertainment, but because the actors that have become characters on screen that have reached into my emotions and pulled something out are receiving acknowledgment for being my vicarious heroes. My favorite speeches are always the ones where the least expected gets the award. The actor or actress attempting to give a speech in the midst of authentic shock has always had a place in my heart.

This week, I got a job. And I felt like what Sarah Jessica Parker said accepting her first Emmy for Sex and the City, "I've never won anything in my life!" Although getting a job is a far cry from getting a Grammy or Oscar, I had a realization about why I find the underdog speech so compelling: I completely relate. In the week leading up to my hearing from my prospective employer, I found myself rationalizing every reason why I wouldn't get the job. I wondering if I wanted it enough for God to want to give it to me. I kept remembering the other two companies that seemed so positive about me, then let me know I wasn't selected in the end. I reminded myself how bad the job market is and how great the competition now -- where good friends of mine with great talent and experience are still jobless.

So when I got the phone call and the deal was sealed a day later, it forced the shock to the surface. Why was it so suprising to me that I would get something I wanted and needed? As I think about this question, I look over the last five months of this year with gratefulness and more than a little awe. There are many reasons why I know this year will stand out as a landmark year in my life. Beginning with great tragedy and grief that will continue to linger in some form always, I also found myself just a few months ago in a transitional void: no job, no gigs, no forseeable end to my singleness. But not even halfway through the year, I find that two of those three areas in my life are extravagantly provided for -- by no control or orchestration of my own.

It is difficult to see myself in general as someone chosen. This last key area of my life -- of the three, the biggest area of issues and failure in my life historically -- is one where that holds particularly true. But as I thank God ("the Academy," if we're going with the analogy) for taking care of me when I least expected it, I can start to hope that just maybe I am also the girl that gets the guy in the end.

On Not Being That Girl

Speaking of That Girl, and coming to terms with not being her, I have also come to terms with the fact that there are many things I am not that many men are into. If we're talking about traditional gender types, I'm not the most girly girl out there. Rather than getting gushy over romantic comedies, I find most of them annoying or even offensive. And though I'm fine with initiating and sending signals of interest and enjoyment of a person, I can't shamelessly throw myself at them the way most girls do and respect myself in the morning. Over the years, I've learned to be responsible and take care of myself, but also don't want to be any guy's mom -- a role many women will gladly assume in exchange for a life-long boyfriend. I'm a DJ -- and last I checked, that was a largely male-dominated field (though the stats are slowly changing on that).

Perhaps I display more self-sufficiency or confidence than is comfortable for most men. I think at times, my speaking my mind has gotten me into trouble or put me in a box -- with both men and women. Many men want a damsel in distress, who can make them feel like a hero or savior. Others want the opposite -- someone who will cook them meals and set their calendars for them. And still others seem to want the hottest girlfriend trophy. As for me, I think Billy Joel said it best, "I just want someone that I can talk to." But as a girl with such varied interests and opinions as I have, I realize that is easier said than found.


"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a f***ed-up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind." -- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

That Girl

I have an odd ability to make myself the target of That Girl.

That Girl is most succinctly defined as the opposite of me in almost every way. She is generally very well put-together, usually more attractive than me, is incredibly insecure and has some need to find validation from a guy I'm somehow involved with -- whether romantically or not. Although I may try to be friendly to That Girl in a respectful, but non-ass-kissing way (I'm not a big ass kisser, which sometimes ends up hurting me), I somehow get into the line of target for That Girl's latest crazy-fest. She's sizing me up, she's critiquing me for being friendly with guys the way I'm friendly with girls, she's trying to one-up me in a contest I never signed up for and, frankly, don't understand.

The baffling thing about That Girl is that I can't get rid of her. When one goes away, another appears somewhere to create annoyance or unnecessary drama. Whatever may be said about my own issues, I sure am glad I'm not That Girl.

Just Not That Into Him

As I have pondered my singleness lately, I have realized that as many times I have been interested in a guy who is not that into me, there even more guys I have come across that I'm just not that into.

A few years ago, whether or not I was attracted to someone felt like a big, muddled mess. I couldn't distinguish what reasons I liked this guy and not the other -- was it based on my issues and need to either be in control or take care of someone? Or was it because he was actually a good guy? My track record spoke more of the former.

But now, after my first healthy attraction in years, I can say with new confidence that growth has happened in my person. The fact that nothing has actually come of it is almost irrelevant. The good news is that I can actually trust myself again, and it's possible for me to be attracted to someone who has good character and love for God, as much as chemistry with me, sense of humor and common interests. Not like the disaster of 2003. Or of 1997. Or of 1992. But I digress. I must also concede that there have been interested guys that are perfectly good ones, but I'm just not that into them. And I take responsibility for how that has also kept me single over the years. No regrets either way.

My behavior in dating can be likened to my behavior in looking for jobs. In both areas, I get advice from everyone to cast the seed as widely as possible, and make myself open to many options. But I think I'm more in the phase of figuring out what I want and what my non-negotiables are. And though I'm trying to be open, and definitely not foolishly investing all my hopes into one job (or man), at heart I think I'm just a one-man, one-job-at-a-time kind of girl. And that's okay for now.