The Ex Factor

Now I don't lose my place like I used to
I'm not moved by your artful display
You can't draw me in like you used to
But you can still ruin my day
-- Jon Brion

What is it about the Ex that seems to come back, even years after issues have been worked through, lessons have been learned -- at least within yourself -- and you've moved on? You meet his new girlfriend, he breaks up, he gets married... Depending on how you are doing at the moment you hear the news, it can still put a real damn damper on your day. If you're secure in your identity and the knowledge that you are loved by God, you're at a solid, "Good for him." On the other hand, if the issues of long term singleness have newly been stirred by something or you're just plain have a bad week for poor self-image, you can be back to, "Is there really justice in this world?"

The Relationship Really Did Happen
Even more interestingly, as you are on this vulnerable road, all manner of responses come out of those around you, especially when your friendship circles intersect. Denial - "Laugh and pretend things are normal, and they will be." Awkwardness - "If I avoid eye contact, maybe we don't have to deal with this for a while." Fear - "Who are you again?" Avoidance - "Let's just have an unspoken agreement that the other person doesn't exist." Meanwhile, a simple acknowledgment of the obvious is all it usually takes to break the weirdness and make a person feel like they aren't going crazy.


The Healing Process
There is an ebb and flow to getting over the Ex factor. The initial waves are more like a roller coaster -- riding high one week, on the verge of despair the next. But as time goes on and emotions get healed (not repressed), the waves are gentler and the lows more far between. Then eventually, you get to the point where it's no longer about time or distance, but purely about your own ability to let go of whatever litter remains of the debris that was your breakup.

The Hope
I believe now more than ever that it is possible to fully heal from the Ex factor. I'm well down that road myself. However, it doesn't mean it will never stop being weird that a person you once shared so much with has by the necessity of appropriateness becomes less than an acquaintance. The fully healed no longer take it personally and stop wondering what could have been. In the furthest along of cases, relief and joy actually replace it.