Lesson 1: Don't Do That

As a female DJ, I realize some advances I receive are a-typical in context but I think in content probably not all that different. Here are two scenarios with the same lesson to single men everywhere: Don't Do That. I'll italicize particular Don't Dos and give footnotes for easy learning.

SCENARIO 1:
- (strange man makes his way to talk to me at Barcopa, standing about 6 inches from me* as he speaks) "I noticed you dancing from over there - are you really into music?"
- "Actually yes, I'm one of the DJs here."
- "Oh really? I'm here with a friend of mine from Bad Boy...I work with industry people a lot**."
- "I see. I'm sorry, did you say you're a musician?"
- "No, no... I'm from New York and I (blah blah blah not making sense - he also has more of a southern accent than NY, but whatever) but I have a lot of connections in the music industry. I actually am not much of a club person - but once in a while I like to get out, mix it up, meet some hos..." (I'm trying to take a step back to create personal space, he keeps moving in so his breath is on my damn face and now he's touching my arm for effect with the "hos" comment***)
- "huh-huh..." (that's me not really laughing and giving him my "did you just call me a ho?" look)
- "So can I have a dance?"
- "Thank you, I'm very flattered but I don't think so."
- "Can I buy you a drink?"
- "I don't drink actually...but thank you."
- "Can I just get you anything at all?"
- "You can get me a bottle of water if you want."
(after getting me a bottle of water and trying to force me to dance with him****, I politely tell him to buzz off. Good. Lord.)
* I am generally not a person with a huge need for personal space. With people I'm close with, or have known and bonded with for more than 30 minutes, I am very free. But if you are a complete stranger to me, don't be all up in my face like you're about to swallow me whole.
** As a DJ who has had to deal with a Crazy Promoter Man already, don't pull that line on me. It only serves as a red flag.
*** I'm sorry, did you just call me a ho? And do you really not know why that's not a turn-on?
**** I'm all for being pursued by a guy where it has been established that he is actually interested in me as a person. But if we are at a bar or club and you just called me a ho, so it's clear to all what is happening here, no means no. And not taking no for an answer really just hurts your cause.

Take-Aways for the dude: If you're interested in having an actual conversation with me, we could hit it off. If you're looking for a ho, we definitely won't.

SCENARIO 2 setup: I'm DJ-ing a middle of the night, prime time dancefloor set and notice a guy trying to get my attention. As a DJ, most of the time people trying to get your attention are wanting to make requests.
- "Hi, can I help you?"
- "Hi, what's your name?"
- "Um...Tina, or DJ Mixtine."
- "Hi, I'm Blah-blah-blah. Why don't you come dance with me?*"
- (silent for a moment...unsure of how to state the obvious politely, so I give up) "I'm DJ-ING right now." (hand gestures indicate this actually requires concentration and me not being on the dancefloor)
- "Well how about you take a break or something?"
- "I'm sorry, I need for you to leave me alone right now." (go back to DJ-ing, have now missed a cue and need to find a song)
- "Well how about I get you a drink? Do you want some food?"
- (annoyed, talk to the hand gesture - he finally goes away)
*I'll just make some overall commentary on what not to do. If a girl is DJ-ing, maybe you should WAIT 'TIL SHE'S DONE to try and have this conversation. And as a girl who inherited her mom's propensity to her to speak her mind that can sometimes backfire, I should have been nicer about telling the guy to buzz off. There's no need to be rude, even to the slimey.

Hopefully, this was an enlightening lesson for all. I know I learned a couple of things...

The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Sometimes a single female such as myself will find herself the victim of a beast more terrible than she could nightmare up: The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

Although there may in fact be nothing remotely romantic or physical going on between you and your male friend who broke her heart, the fact that you are friends may be enough fodder to awake the beast. For whatever reason -- maybe you share a hobby with said male friend -- you are spending some time with the guy, he's helping you out, and then you encounter Crazy. Crazy will do anything to manipulate situations to make you feel smaller than her and establish herself in some imaginary fourth-grade seat of power. The worst part is, no one else in her sphere sees this because the rest of her domain consists of mostly men, who we all know are mostly blind to the manipulative workings of a woman - especially if she's hot - which suprisingly Crazy often is. Hot generally masks the Crazy for a good period of time.

After trying to be the bigger person and just let things go, and knowing full well if you bring things up with your male buddy that you will come off as the crazy one, there may come a point where a line has been crossed and a conversation must be had. Although frustrating, you may find that in most cases, Crazy is just incredibly insecure (which you probably figured) + incredibly un-self-aware. Not a good combo, and equally hard to reason with as an actual insane person. But with some willingness to confront Crazy and stand up for yourself while giving a little dallop of ego massage and extra measure of grace, things can be smoothed over.

In my own encounters with Crazy, I have had to swallow a rather large pill of pride. Although I did get a lot of trying to turn the tables on me, very little acceptance of responsibility and a very begrudging apology, it was an apology nonetheless and I needed to forgive her and be the bigger person because you can't really blame Crazy for not knowing any better. I don't know what her background is, but it's safe to assume Crazy generally wasn't loved enough as a child and that deserves compassion. Even if she was taking that out on you in the process. Crazy and I will probably never be best friends or even close, but at least civility and, more importantly, accountability have been reached. Thank God one of us at least has taken in some hard lessons in dealing with conflict -- it sure as hell prepares you for the ultimate test of managing Crazy.

Mental note: Crazy Ex can be a red flag for any guy you might be interested in. Especially if he still doesn't see it.

Reflections at 31...and a few days

Yesterday I saw "Becoming Jane," and realized that although I don't live in a time where my options are limited to only those of a certain financial status (although I wouldn't mind, being currently unemployed and all), I'm limited in the scarcity of mutual romantic feeling in my life. Unlike Jane Austen, I haven't the luxury of a forbidden love. It's been years since I've really felt anything for anyone that has lasted longer than a couple of weeks, and I'm currently wondering if my heart has shriveled up into an uninspired, jaded little prune.

I have been glad for this year of being Mixtine. Spinning out, navigating the politics of DJ-ing, throwing myself into something I love in the face of my own fears. And though I don't plan on stopping those efforts to put myself out there as a DJ, I also wonder if 31 is the year for me to put my heart out there again.



August 11 in London

Beware of Hot Genius Man

Sometimes there's nothing more attractive than a man who does something really well. The stereotype of the handyman who rescues a damsel from home improvement distress may not apply to all, but there is a virtuoso in some walk of life that will just push that button for you. He's worked hard to be one of the best in his field, and when you see him in action you get those swirly things in your eyes and suddenly you're in Fantasyland. The problem with Boy Wonder though, is just that. He has spent his whole life wholly committed to one thing: his field of expertise. He probably has a few broken relationships, maybe even kids (though of course he's not married), or he doesn't get into relationships at all because he just isn't in the habit.

The older you get, the more accessible these celebrity types become. My theory is that it is partly because they have remained single for the above stated reasons. But whatever the case may be, you -- or I, rather -- as a single person may need to confront an interested virtuoso, and not just get swept up in the romance of his art. For a girl with passion in music and food, particular weaknesses lie with excellent DJs and young, hot chefs.

But at a certain point, you read enough tabloids on divorce and bitterness, and consider your own tendencies to fall for the wrong man, and it may become very clear that you gotta hold out.

New Year for a New Single Self

Not everyone celebrates Christmas or Hanukkah, and the holidays mean different things to different people depending on whether or not family or loved ones are accessible (emotionally or physically). But everyone seems to feel the hope a new year brings. As someone who does celebrate Christmas and believe in Jesus (though it's a struggle sometimes in the worst sides of me), I don't think it's an accident that somehow Jesus' birth is celebrated just before the new year. I quote my favorite Christmas song says: "Then he appeared and the soul felt its worth; A thrill of hope -- the weary world rejoices; For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn."

Whatever the last year was for you, it was probably a great many things unexpected as it is every year for us. We never know what kind of turns in relationships -- even close friendships, new attractions, self-realizations and hopes realized and disappointed will come our way in the 525,600 minutes we have to think, feel and respond to what comes our way. For some, a good cathartic session of crying in mourning may help clear that palate for 2007. For others, a time of thinking over lessons learned and new goals to set either personally or vocationally.

I started 2006 determined to find the right man. Instead, I found a few not-so-right men. But after my own cathartic cry on January 1 mourning more than a few things from 2006 (and let's be honest, things into childhood), I find myself hopeful for the clean slate of 2007. Losers, winners, personal failures and breakthroughs, things perfect and not perfect -- bring it. In the words of Cliff Poncier of Citizen Dick, "all this negative energy -- it only makes me stronger."


True or untrue? "Life is short, stay single."

The Name is Bond; James Baggage Bond

After watching Casino Royale, the prequel to the James Bond male fantasy escapades we know and love for spectacular action and ample eye candy, suddenly the decades-old movie franchise has a sadder, more bitter taste. Bond's precision as an agent and charisma as a lady's man actually boil down to a lot of pain and avoidance underneath.

I think about myself and the people around me, and it isn't long before I stumble across the baggage that drives so much of our decisions and chosen ways of life. Some go from relationship to relationship looking for anything that will keep them from facing their own fears of loneliness, while others refrain in fear of intimacy -- maybe they've been burned before. Some lose themselves in work or hobbies or social causes, anything to protect ourselves from how we are really doing.

As for me, coming out of a long weekend makes me think of some of the baggage that I'm still waiting on God to pick up and maybe moreso myself to invite him to sift through the pile with me: this crushed bag of a friendship I lost, that fragile parcel of former boyfriend's happiness, this appliance of my fears and insecurities, that pile of fantasies I never should have bought. And the list goes on.

I haven't lost hope yet though. There's always the mercy and goodness of God that's chasing me down. And the more I see in myself and around me, it is my only hope.


Self-protection much?

Married Metamorphosis

"You realize of course that men and women can never be friends." -- When Harry Met Sally

Although many cross-gender friendships may attempt to belie this, there has to be some truth to it -- especially the older you get. Somewhere in your early 20s, you stop making those brother-sister, androgynous bonds and suddenly initiation of new friendship with the opposite sex is just different. I have some male friends, but I also have plenty more I have almost completely lost touch with since they entered the big M. And I don't begrudge them for it -- I understand that truth in Harry's words, applicable in greater or lesser degrees. Some wives don't feel comfortable if hubby's got cozy hangouts with single women from his past single life, and depending on the woman and depending on the hubby, that is fair enough.

But as a still-single woman, it makes me think of a few things. One, it sure is a bummer to lose some healthy friendships with not much more than an unspoken understanding that such are the changing seasons of life. Two, I can't deny that I'm glad for now to not be in those shoes. Gives me a little more quality time with those friends I might eventually lose. Call it the single-married trade-off, and for now I get to keep those friends...and my independence.


PS. R.I.P. Bruno Kirby. :(

There Is No "Fun Bobby"

In season 2 of "Friends," Monica rekindles a relationship with a character the friends call "Fun Bobby." Through the course of the show, we see that Fun Bobby only lives up to the first part of his name when he's had a few too many: He's the funny, charming life-of-the-party as long as he's a little tipsy. Without, he's just a semi-depressed guy with a handful of boring stories.

But in my experience, Fun Bobby doesn't actually exist. At the risk of waxing after-school-special, I have never met anyone I preferred drunk to sober. If anything, the slurred, semi-adolescent advances of a Fun Bobby are more Sad Bobby to me, and quickly turn to Really Lonely and Maybe Depressed Bobby if he absolutely needs the bottle to have a enjoy himself. Sad, because Sober Bobby is so much more interesting to me -- he has actual thoughts, reactions, sensitivity, even insecurities that all say something about who he really is and what his life experiences have been. And anyone who isn't enough themselves without a drink does not magically become that with -- it's just a symptom that something else is wrong. "Fun" Bobby is only surpasses him in uninhibitedness (is that even a word?). But when you remove inhibition, sometimes all you get is Too Much, Too Fast. And while my heart goes out to that guy, I guess what I'm really interested in is the real, "Un-Fun" guy.

Sell Crazy Someplace Else -- We're All Stocked Up Here

In the name of "being more open," one must also be prepared to confront the Crazies who will think the open door is actually just for them. In reality, you wish you could have one of those secure, always locked doors with a small doggie door for only men with the right criteria to fit through -- sort of like that toddlers game where you fit shapes into a big 3-D hexagon . But I've tried the secure locked door thing and it only got me passive men.

Crazy Man will start like any other -- he may ask you out and in the name of being open you might accept. But when the calls and emails exceed 4-5/hour (and mind you, you barely know the guy), it's safe to then append the label. In the words of Big Daddy Kane, "Play like Roy Rogers and SSLLOOOWWW DOWN." Time for a conversation -- which may have to happen face-to-face if he's just not getting it. You can always hope that Crazy Man will become just Weird Man or Socially Clueless Man the more you get to know him, but you should always execute sound judgment of course.

My personal takeaways from Crazy Man: 1-No need to fear, I really can lay down the line. 2-The bar is set pretty low if we're at: I'll date you if I don't fear you. I don't think I'm willing to be *that* open.

The Single Guy, the Dating Guy and the Single-Dating Guy

To make up for lost time, I have a trifecta of issues to present.

Single Guy is maybe the most common. He talks a lot about his need to find a woman. It constantly peppers his casual conversation, his jokes about himself and pretty much everyone around him, and he might even make a flirtatious joke or two -- but he will never ask you out. Single Guy is usually in his 20s, since as I've established before, it's our generation's period of adolescence and insecurity. But sometimes Single Guy is older. Maybe he's gone through something rough and is eager for companionship but scared out of his mind to get rejected.

Dating Guy is also pretty common. His dating life is so active you have trouble keeping up. He changes girls more often than you do your laundry. He has probably flirted with you before, and you've probably crossed his mind since you know just about everyone else has, but he's so busy trying to find someone he can feel like he can take care of, who won't rock his world too much, or just getting thrilled by the chase, that he forgets to ask himself what he really wants. So he remains restless.

Lastly, we all know Single-Dating Guy, but he's a little less common (thank God). He sends signals our way, he might create excuses to take you out one-on-one, he's getting to know you. By all external signs, he's an interesting guy who is initiating with you and has dating on the brain. He might do things like make playful bets as an excuse to take you out. He responds positively to all social initiation you make with him. But like a bad movie twist ending, you eventually find out -- hopefully sooner rather than later -- that Single Guy is actually Single-Dating Guy. He's got a girlfriend that for some reason he neglects mentioning in all of your conversations about "dating in general," in your flirtatious encounters and in your innocent one-on-one get to know you sessions.

As for me, i've been interested in all three at various points in my life. But now I'm 30 and I just refuse to deal with that anymore. I'm looking for That Guy. Rather than listing out a bunch of idealistic criteria -- which I know better now than to do -- I'll settle for now for someone normal with good communication skills, who will ask me out. ;-)

There's No Crying in DJ-ing

To summarize the last absence, here are a few lessons I've learned:
- Being 30 has given me a new sense of boundaries. How oft have I said to myself, "I'm 30, I refuse to deal with _______ anymore." (Blanks could include things like passive aggressives, chaotic rummage sales, immaturity in my living space, self-absorbed men, mean people in general, unmatching socks, etc.)
- There's no crying in DJ-ing. Like baseball, it's predominantly a man's world. Like all things, there are a lot of politics involved. And if you're a woman in a man's world, you'd better be ready to prove yourself.
- We are all motivated to do crazy things by our emotions and desires. Case: I ran a five-mile race because De La Soul was at the finish line with a free concert. Because they are the real thing.
- When one of your best friends starts dating a great guy after 13 years of singlehood, it's a happy day.

Thank God It's 30

There are worse things in life than turning 30. Like turning 29. Unlike I had expected, turning 30 was actually somewhat of a relief. Finally done with the terrible 20s, and again at the bottom of a fresh, new, clean slate of a decade. My friends who made it past the age 27 suicide statistic and actually used their 20s to work out their issues all tell me the 30s are better, and they don't have to tell me twice. Things could really only go up from the dark year of 2003.

So here is the quick and dirty list of lessons learned and words to live by out of that angstful, character-building decade whose 2 prefix will thankfully never start my age off again (unless of course, I make it to 200):
- My friend Doug once said growing up (as with many good things) takes a lot of choice and hard work, it doesn't just naturally happen. True.
- 20s think their minor issues can be worked through in a few heartfelt conversations, 30s know it took them a good few years in counseling (and counting...).
- 20s think they have reached mature adult self-awareness, 30s know they were going through delayed puberty and rebellion.
- Codependence doesn't sound good in theory, and it's worse in reality.
- There is freedom in knowing you're not in control. Especially once you accept that you are a freak.
- Don't do that.
- Life moves pretty fast -- If you don't stop and take care of yourself once in a while, you will miss it (in bitterness, escapism or a desperate need for validation).


Every good event starts with a big bowl of guac.


The Bon Jovi sing-a-long


Blowing out the big 3-0


I'd like to point out the man in the silver wig in back.

He's Just Not Enough For You

I'll admit I'm a little irritated by the Greg Behrendt wave of thinking that has been infiltrating our relationship vocabulary: "He's Just Not That Into You." My irritation, though any man might accuse me is merely because I'm a woman, is because although I'm sure that may be a true cause of many relationships not working out, it is an oversimplification of probably many others. For some, it may be "He's Just Not That Mature," or "He Just Doesn't Know What He Wants," or "He's Just Obsessed With The Chase," or even in some cases "He's Just Too Into You."

As for me, my book might be called "He's Just Not Enough For You" or "Your Priorities Are a Little Out of Whack." The He's in my life have generally been well-intentioned, personable dudes with a great sense of humor, who have been somewhat into me, with about 50% character. First three items check, the following -- which are probably most important -- only check halfway. When it comes to character and values, the glass is never half-full.

Maintaining the Perfect You

"In 50 years you're gonna start doing some thinking on your own and you're gonna come up with the fact that there are two certainties in life: One, don't do that. And Two, you dropped 150 grand on a f**king education you coulda got for a dollar fifty in late charges at the public library." -- Will Hunting

I finally made it to Club 3-0 as of last Friday. All of my 30s friends have given me a warm welcome into the decade, and unanimously have told me, "it's so much better than your 20s." I have no doubt. Instead of the dread and quarter-life crisis I thought might ensue from turning the corner, I feel a sense of relief that a decade of wrestling with who I am and what I'm worth, and getting my heart shat on a few times (though I'm the wiser for it all) is gone - over - never to rear its 2-prefix again.

As I look back on both those topics -- identity and relationships -- my first 30-year-old reflection takes shape. I've seen a lot of different couples over the last decade, and spouses and significant others fall into one of two categories: the real and the ideal.

The real significant other is the one that helps you know and continue to know your real self. They are compatible with you in ways you need, and will challenge you in ways you don't always know you need to be challenged -- and you may or may not like what you see. They hold a mirror up to your face everytime you see them, which on a good day will show you that attractive face with a kind smile, and on a not so good day will show that decaying Dorian Gray side.

The ideal sig other is the one that helps you maintain the perfect image you have of yourself in your very own mind. They feed that ego either in word or deed (or if your ego prefers, both) in either subtle or unsubtle ways -- whichever your issues prefer -- and have effectively catered life to revolve around the most important person in the world: you. The mirror they put in front of your face always displays the same thing: Funny, witty, smart, charming, talented, strong Superyou.

The problem with the ideal is that it is ideal and not real. Underneath that thin layer of false security lies anxiety and a tireless effort to protect everyone else -- and yourself -- from finding out the truth: you are not so ideal after all. The ideal is based on a fantasy and on what you want the world to know about you: Funny, witty, smart, charming, talented, strong.

So thankfully, it hasn't taken me 50 years but 10 to realize that certainty in life: don't do that. And rather than spending the next 10 finding new ways to try to impress people and impress myself, I think I'll get that membership at the real, non-flashy, do-your-research public library.


Image disclaimer: This photo was taken on the set of a movie where the participating actors dated off-screen and resulted in a messy breakup.

The Anti-Crush of the Month

I'm going through a phase where I'm repulsed by men. So what better time to bring up Colin Farrell?

After a vaguely attractive stint as a clean-cut copper on Tom Cruise's tail in Minority Report, which coincidentally was about the last time he was clean period, Colin quickly spiraled into that drunken Irish bad boy image that has won him into the hearts of thousands of trashy women. The paparazzi have caught him in moments of drunken stupor, really bad hair, and right before it's really, really time for that shower (we hope).

I was going to look up his dating history to find some common thread among the women in his life, and then I realized I just don't care. Those would be moments that could be better spent stalking Johnny Depp.


Really, need I say more?

Just One of the Guys

Here's one way to get crossed off of my list...

It's one thing to find out someone you are interested in is just not interested in you. It's another thing to have them divulge details of their love life with his latest girl du jour. Pardon me for not being excited that you cuddled for the first time -- and by the way, do I look like one of your male friends?

The horror is somewhat relieved when he confesses to you his tendency to freak out when it appears a girl is actually interested. Houston, we have a red flag.


"You know what I could really use right now? A Beer."

The Party of Your Past

As time goes on and you're pushing 30, and people -- including yourself -- have gone in and out of relationships as does happen with people, a party of your old friends can start to feel like a history of your messy relationships. Ex-boyfriend with his current woman or wife, his ex with her new man, former awkward friendship man by the punch bowl, guy who sent mixed messages years ago now playing with child, sharing about a common friend, who jilted your one other girl friend. It's all in the family.

Part of what this is is just life. We get into relationships, they work or don't work and you move on. But on a bad day, your single status can push you just over your normal ability to rise above the pool of issues. On a bad day, when you're tired and things have had a chance to build up as they sometimes do, you feel the print left on your insides that says you just weren't worth it. Which in reality is a print left from long before relationship X,Y or Z. And although you would never be that girl who uses a boyfriend to improve her self-esteem, being one of the only singletons there makes you wish you could cheat on that principle just once. And that it could be now. And you wish you could just start all over -- wipe that slate of your past clean, before there was X,Y or Z -- and be totally hopeful again.

But you can't. You can only be totally honest with your friends and with God about your frustration, leave the day's baggage behind, and let the healing continue...in baby steps.

The Mutant in Me

I am a mutant. I may not be Jean Grey or Storm, and I may never get Hugh Jackman to fall in love with me. But my pinkie fingers on both hands are about half the size they should be.

In a larger sense though, I am a mutant because I am a Christian. Like the X-men, there are ways the world sees us as abnormal and wishes, ultimately, that we would just go away. Like the X-men, there are powers available to us -- of healing and transformation, of strength and even sometimes mind-reading -- that we must learn to access and use. And like the X-men, it can feel like a damn lonely existence. People look at you like you're a freak when you tell them, and assume you are a mutant of the worst form: a conservative fundamentalist (isn't that Magneto?).

But a mutant can hold out hope that there's a Wolverine still out there, searching just like she is.

My Pre-Sexual Revolution Needs

I present 3 case-in-point scenarios:
- Taking a day off work a couple of weeks ago with S-dawg, in my tiredness and dread for the next day I found myself confessing: I would so be a stay-at-home housewife. No problem, whatsoever.
- In trying to replace the fluorescent light in my kitchen (which of course requires me at the very top of a step ladder), new bulb in hand, the damn thing just won't work. Must be an electrical wiring issue.
- Upon opening the package of the new doorknob we needed to replace on the front door, I took one look at the 50 pieces and micro-font directions and called my fixes-it-and-loves-it guy friend (not to be confused with boyfriend) to come do it for me. Which he completed in about 30 minutes.
- After carting this and that 40-lb turntable to and fro, and dropping an embarrassing amount of money on a new mixer, my DJ sound issue remains unresolved. Again with the electrical wiring. Thought to self: "Gee, it would be nice if I had a boyfriend (not to be confused with guy friend) who just loved figuring this type of stuff out."

Conclusion: I need a man to change my lightbulbs, be handy around the house, carry my damn heavy equipment, figure out how stuff works, and leave the cooking and caring to me.

What?

In Love with Harold & Kumar

What's hotter than hot?


A. John Cho and Kal Penn

B. The yellow and the brown

C. 2 neurotic-slash-funny second generation Asians

D. Obsessive fast food pilgrimages

ANSWER: ALL OF THE ABOVE