Single, But Never Alone

Today I watched my good friend and her beloved son get buried. It was the closest death I've ever experienced, and the loss of a great woman. The last couple of weeks have felt like a couple of months, and there is a seemingly permanent ache that moves from the pit of my stomach to my chest and then back again. It disappears for brief moments, when disbelief has suspended the pain of reality. But it can return like a ton of bricks again at any time.

But over the past couple of weeks, I have also been reminded of some important things -- things I realize I couldn't live without. One, I referred to in my previous post already. Were it not for the promise that life here on earth is just a shadow of life and joy to come, a grain of sand on the beach of eternity, and that I will see my friends Midi and Nathan again, I would fall apart or find some temporary delusion to make myself feel better.

In addition to that promise, I have been overwhelmed and grateful for the community of friends I am priviledged to know and be a part of. These people have a love in them that brings us together in a time like this to ensure that no one will be alone in a time of great suffering. They come together and put all things aside to rightly honor a great friend and woman before 500+ witnesses of her love and life. I can connect with friends I haven't seen for years, and it's as though not a day has gone by -- except that we are each deeper and wiser for our experiences since then, not jaded and bitter as many get. And as I have spoken with others about the tragedy that has befallen my friend, I have been reminded that most people in this world don't have that. Many suffer and die alone.

Many people say a loved one that has just passed away was amazing, extraordinary or special. Many also say their friends are the greatest people in the world. But I lost a truly extraordinary friend last week, and it makes grieving her loss a weighty thing indeed. But I also celebrate her life with truly the greatest people in the world - the kindest, most genuine, funny, and loving. I have the priviledge of knowing people who have surrendered their lives to the only thing that can transform us beyond the surface and into the core of who we are, and be selfless in a way no one makes it their business to be. I don't think I could live without these things, but I also know it is a luxury none of us deserve.

I don't often get all God in this blog, but I have a lot to say this week about things that feel much more pressing than relationships and dating. The last and most important thing I have been reminded of is the true treasure and reality of my friendship with God. And of all people, it is my friend Mark who has just suffered this immense loss, that has reminded me of this. He survives with an immeasurable hole in his heart, and it is because his God is bigger than that hole in a way we don't understand. And as I have pondered the fleeting nature of this life and how we each have a beginning and end date here in this life, it has forced me to know more than ever that the constants in my life are unseen -- they souls and spirit, and life that has been breathed into body. And God has brought me through these last two long weeks and will continue to be my friend to lament my loss this year and beyond.

For all of these things, I could be single for the rest of my life, but I know I won't be alone.