Last night, I saw the movie, "Zero Dark Thirty," the gripping 12-year story of the search and killing of Osama Bin Laden. The movie follows the young woman, Maya, committed to a point of obsession with finding him over years of dead trails, un-threadable bits of information and loss of friends in the same pursuit. At one moment in the movie, she reveals what is fueling her motivation. "I've lost a lot of friends trying to do this. I think maybe it's my role to finish the job."
The older I get, the more moved I am by stories of long fought battles, marathon races and hard-won victories. When she said this, I felt a tear come to my eye. It has been a long road with unexpected twists, dead trails and and lost friends, both physically and spiritually. But like Maya, I find that the more suffering I survive, the more determined I become to just finish the race. It's too late to give up, though the temptation to do so gets heavy at times. I need to see how my story ends and I need to see how God's plan for my life unfolds.
Tonight, Ben Affleck took home an Academy Award for "Argo," the winning film for Best Picture of the year. He spoke of taking home his first Oscar 15 years ago as a kid for writing, "Good Will Hunting," not knowing what he was doing and naive to the world he had just entered. He expected he'd never receive another award. After more than a decade that included public scrutiny, ridicule and needing to completely rebuild his reputation, he humbly received this award as a different man - one who understood every battle he needed to overcome in order to get there. His closing words were, "What I learned was it doesn't matter if you get knocked down in life, what matters is that you've got to get back up."
Someday, all of glory of the Oscars will go away. The accolades of this world will no longer mean anything. What is promised is a prize to those who have run the race in life so as to receive it - that there's something indeed at the end of it all worth all of the tears, incredible loss, unspeakable heartbreak. If I were to imagine the award I might get at the end, it might be for Tenacity - something I have found within myself despite myself. Or more likely, receiving the acceptance of God in his very presence of God alone will be the unfathomable honor.
I have to keep going. I want to receive this prize.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
The Bros in My Life
Every girl - single or otherwise - should be so lucky to have the totally amazing, unconditionally loving, completely platonic men in her life that I have. I believe that if I ever leave the single sisterhood, I’ll still rely on these men for everything my guy can’t be.
The Big Bro
Kevin is my bro, and not just because he’s black. He’s a little older and wiser, and provides me the perspective I need on whatever current drama or lack thereof my love life is. He looks out for me, and won’t have me settling for some passive, indecisive clown, but will also provide the male point of view on things like basic communication and giving guys a fair shot. He also has this amazing way of pointing out where I’m wrong in the gentlest way possible. He once observed that I wore my singleness with shame, and that instead I should be proud of the way I’ve used my time. In that same breath, he reminded me there’s no limit to what God can do for me and on my behalf. Translation: Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start trusting God. But it sounded nothing like that. Those are the kind, corrective words of a Big Bro.
The Dating Coach
Fabian is my dating coach. He is the rare guy that will provide all of these things when I ask for his counsel: the norm for guys, what he would do and the range of guy responses. Most of my guy friends will make broad, blanket statements about guys based entirely on themselves or they’ll be like girl friends who encourage you to hold onto a hopeless situation. Fabian also repeatedly reminds me of my worth, that I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t get that and has hope that I'll find it when I'm all out of hope. That is also a rare dude quality: He believes in me and can say it, even when times are tough. He’s the best.
The Devoted Buddy
Justin is my devoted buddy. He may be outspoken and at times downright insensitive, but he isn’t afraid to express his genuine value for me as a person and for our friendship. He also knows when to limit his words or not to talk. When Hideo passed away, he sat with me in the middle of a restaurant and listened and while I cried, and he just let me be sad in that moment - rare dude behavior. His only response was one of empathy - reminded of a difficult loss in his own family. If I am ever really in need and Justin is able to do something about it, I know that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it. He’s just that kind of a friend.
The Gay Buddy
Jose is my gay buddy. I can talk to him about boys, and he both gets it as a guy and as someone who likes guys. He can help me with all my handyman needs, and can be a big protector, but we can also laugh about being wusses compared to the likes of Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. Everyone needs a Jose.
The Younger Bro
Eric is my little bro. He is actually only a couple of years younger than me in age, but if I ever had a biological younger brother, he would be it. We are wired very similarly, so I understand how he thinks and what he’s going through. He can also argue and piss me off in a way only my flesh and blood sisters can. He comes to me for advice about girls, he lets me freak out about guys I'm interested in, and we cheer each other on. I hope some girl discovers what a caring, committed gem he is.
Though I've been single for more years than I had hoped or thought I would be, I can't deny that I've always had men in my life to remind me that I'm cherished, enjoyed and valued for who I am. I can fully be myself around them, no holds barred, and know that I'll never be turned away. I am reminded of God's provision for me no matter how long I remain single, because of my beloved bros.
The Big Bro
Kevin is my bro, and not just because he’s black. He’s a little older and wiser, and provides me the perspective I need on whatever current drama or lack thereof my love life is. He looks out for me, and won’t have me settling for some passive, indecisive clown, but will also provide the male point of view on things like basic communication and giving guys a fair shot. He also has this amazing way of pointing out where I’m wrong in the gentlest way possible. He once observed that I wore my singleness with shame, and that instead I should be proud of the way I’ve used my time. In that same breath, he reminded me there’s no limit to what God can do for me and on my behalf. Translation: Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start trusting God. But it sounded nothing like that. Those are the kind, corrective words of a Big Bro.
The Dating Coach
Fabian is my dating coach. He is the rare guy that will provide all of these things when I ask for his counsel: the norm for guys, what he would do and the range of guy responses. Most of my guy friends will make broad, blanket statements about guys based entirely on themselves or they’ll be like girl friends who encourage you to hold onto a hopeless situation. Fabian also repeatedly reminds me of my worth, that I shouldn’t settle for someone who doesn’t get that and has hope that I'll find it when I'm all out of hope. That is also a rare dude quality: He believes in me and can say it, even when times are tough. He’s the best.
The Devoted Buddy
Justin is my devoted buddy. He may be outspoken and at times downright insensitive, but he isn’t afraid to express his genuine value for me as a person and for our friendship. He also knows when to limit his words or not to talk. When Hideo passed away, he sat with me in the middle of a restaurant and listened and while I cried, and he just let me be sad in that moment - rare dude behavior. His only response was one of empathy - reminded of a difficult loss in his own family. If I am ever really in need and Justin is able to do something about it, I know that he wouldn’t hesitate to do it. He’s just that kind of a friend.
The Gay Buddy
Jose is my gay buddy. I can talk to him about boys, and he both gets it as a guy and as someone who likes guys. He can help me with all my handyman needs, and can be a big protector, but we can also laugh about being wusses compared to the likes of Starbuck on Battlestar Galactica. Everyone needs a Jose.
The Younger Bro
Eric is my little bro. He is actually only a couple of years younger than me in age, but if I ever had a biological younger brother, he would be it. We are wired very similarly, so I understand how he thinks and what he’s going through. He can also argue and piss me off in a way only my flesh and blood sisters can. He comes to me for advice about girls, he lets me freak out about guys I'm interested in, and we cheer each other on. I hope some girl discovers what a caring, committed gem he is.
Though I've been single for more years than I had hoped or thought I would be, I can't deny that I've always had men in my life to remind me that I'm cherished, enjoyed and valued for who I am. I can fully be myself around them, no holds barred, and know that I'll never be turned away. I am reminded of God's provision for me no matter how long I remain single, because of my beloved bros.
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