I'm sure a large contributor was sheer tiredness -- adding a full-time job to a part-time DJ lifestyle and other extracurricular commitments is turning out to be quite the adjustment. Maybe another factor was DJ-ing a wedding of a couple a few years younger than myself, and seeing the future of weddings I'll attend and/or DJ: I have gone from attending weddings of those older than me, to those who are my peers, and now am in the stage where most I'll attend will be those younger. And maybe another factor was the continuous vacant landscape that is my dating life, try as I might to resuscitate it.
Whatever the reasons, the thing that hit me with a wave of emotion this weekend was this: I want to get married someday. Yes, after three years of blogging about singleness, what may be obvious to all but myself became clear to me over the weekend. Although I never would have denied that meeting someone and getting married would be nice, I never wanted to be that girl who was pining away for some man to make her complete, and perpetuating the ridiculous notion that relationships and marriage are the end-all, be-all of human existence. And since I'm almost constantly surrounded by people who at least partially (if not completely) believe that, it has been easy for me to swing the other way as my own little "F-you" to the world.
But as the best man gave a toast over the weekend to his friend, and recalled the moment he stated frankly that he was in love with this lovely woman who became his wife, something got through that protective barrier I like to keep around my heart and I felt a tear escape. Because in addition to swallowing my pride and admitting I too would like what is good about dating and marriage, I must also wrestle with my own fear: the possibility that I'll never get there. And in a way, it was the first time I really confronted that that could very well be the case.
Now that it's out there, I feel freed up even in the midst of processing what's unpleasant about all that. I still believe that if I were to be single my whole life, I really would be okay and maybe save me a lot of drama and heartbreak if I were to have made a decision into something God didn't intend. But as I am now more fully aware of my own self and desires, I can wake up tomorrow morning ready to process and learn to hope from a more honest place.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
What Kind of Married Are You?
Over the last 10 years of my life, I've been to many weddings and seen many friends "become one" with their spouses in different ways. In the same way that there are personality and "what kind of drunk are you" tests all over magazines and the internet these days, I wonder what kind of married I would be.
As I look around at some other single friends who have similarly thrown their share of rice for their friends, I realize I have a luxury of knowing people who will always value reaching out to others. It was true when they were single, and it continues to be true in marriage. So though life has brought them through different seasons -- marriage, babies, children -- I am grateful that I have those friends that continue to be in my life, and communicate that my friendship as a single person is just as valuable as that of another married. I know some have lost almost all contact with their married friends, further impressing on us the unnecessary barrier between married and single people.
I understand that sometimes we grow apart from people we were once close with as God takes us into new things and new community experiences. I also know some personalities only have so much social energy to expend before they just need to shift into down time. But if marriage is in the cards for me someday -- which it may or may not be -- I have decided that for my own health and sanity, I hope to be the kind that breaks down walls between singles and marrieds, and reminds my single friends that marriage is no fantasy where all of your wildest dreams come true. And that I still need them. As a single person, it has been invaluable to me to have a window into real married life to help shatter those false images of fantasy that have so been indoctrinated in us.
Of course, if I never get married, there is no such issue to resolve. I'll add that to my singleness "pros" list.
As I look around at some other single friends who have similarly thrown their share of rice for their friends, I realize I have a luxury of knowing people who will always value reaching out to others. It was true when they were single, and it continues to be true in marriage. So though life has brought them through different seasons -- marriage, babies, children -- I am grateful that I have those friends that continue to be in my life, and communicate that my friendship as a single person is just as valuable as that of another married. I know some have lost almost all contact with their married friends, further impressing on us the unnecessary barrier between married and single people.
I understand that sometimes we grow apart from people we were once close with as God takes us into new things and new community experiences. I also know some personalities only have so much social energy to expend before they just need to shift into down time. But if marriage is in the cards for me someday -- which it may or may not be -- I have decided that for my own health and sanity, I hope to be the kind that breaks down walls between singles and marrieds, and reminds my single friends that marriage is no fantasy where all of your wildest dreams come true. And that I still need them. As a single person, it has been invaluable to me to have a window into real married life to help shatter those false images of fantasy that have so been indoctrinated in us.
Of course, if I never get married, there is no such issue to resolve. I'll add that to my singleness "pros" list.
Friday, June 20, 2008
The Younger Girl
I have never thought of myself as old. Turning 30 was a suprisingly celebrative time for me, despite the way our culture has somehow deemed it the beginning of the end. I have never felt like my age would be a factor in whether or not some guy might be interested in me.
Although I hope that that is still true, I have found myself having an internal gag reflex when I hear about eligible guys in my age group hooking up with early 20-somethings. I remember back to when I was that age and thought I had it all together but was actually right mid-adolescence. Then it's hard for me to believe that there are many exceptions to that life process development timeline. And then I lose respect for the guy, but not without feeling a little frustrated at the same time that I'm at the point in my life where, as few as my options are, my pool is now further diminished by guys who are down with the younger woman. She's more impressionable, less opinionated, and I suppose has a few more child-bearing years on her.
I'm tryin' here, but it's hard not to be disheartened. I quote When Harry Met Sally, "It's not the same for men -- Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73." Sigh. Sally, I too will be 40...someday.
Although I hope that that is still true, I have found myself having an internal gag reflex when I hear about eligible guys in my age group hooking up with early 20-somethings. I remember back to when I was that age and thought I had it all together but was actually right mid-adolescence. Then it's hard for me to believe that there are many exceptions to that life process development timeline. And then I lose respect for the guy, but not without feeling a little frustrated at the same time that I'm at the point in my life where, as few as my options are, my pool is now further diminished by guys who are down with the younger woman. She's more impressionable, less opinionated, and I suppose has a few more child-bearing years on her.
I'm tryin' here, but it's hard not to be disheartened. I quote When Harry Met Sally, "It's not the same for men -- Charlie Chaplin had babies when he was 73." Sigh. Sally, I too will be 40...someday.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
The End of Alone?
Today is the last day of my unemployment sabbatical. It's been a wonderful 13 months and 2 weeks. Tomorrow morning marks a new day, and I imagine a new chapter in my life.
I think if I were to characterize my time off, I could describe it simply with the word "alone." The last few years, God has been teaching me what it means to be stripped of my dependence on people: what they think, the power they have to extend opportunity to me or not, their validation or love of me, and the list goes on. And this last year has completed something in my ability to be comfortable in being alone.
I think I have seen aloneness as a season or phase in my life currently, and perhaps it is. But I wonder if aloneness is just what we will always feel in some way in this lifetime. It is the aloneness of only seeing reality in part right now, of only being able to know the perfect intimacy of God in part, of experiencing every good thing in part or in instances. I see in myself and in so many around me the urge to put an end to their "aloneness" in another person. But we have all felt alone even in the presence of those closest to us at times.
I'm trying to embrace (and not fearfully run from) being alone right now. Some days it is a wonderful, freeing feeling. Others it can feel like an indefinite loneliness, and I can only find solace in letting God remind me that he sees and remembers me. Either way, I'm doing everything I can to hold onto hope that one day the partial good stuff we experience now will be a full, no-holds-barred, nothing-lacking kind of good, that I'm promised does not disappoint.
I think if I were to characterize my time off, I could describe it simply with the word "alone." The last few years, God has been teaching me what it means to be stripped of my dependence on people: what they think, the power they have to extend opportunity to me or not, their validation or love of me, and the list goes on. And this last year has completed something in my ability to be comfortable in being alone.
I think I have seen aloneness as a season or phase in my life currently, and perhaps it is. But I wonder if aloneness is just what we will always feel in some way in this lifetime. It is the aloneness of only seeing reality in part right now, of only being able to know the perfect intimacy of God in part, of experiencing every good thing in part or in instances. I see in myself and in so many around me the urge to put an end to their "aloneness" in another person. But we have all felt alone even in the presence of those closest to us at times.
I'm trying to embrace (and not fearfully run from) being alone right now. Some days it is a wonderful, freeing feeling. Others it can feel like an indefinite loneliness, and I can only find solace in letting God remind me that he sees and remembers me. Either way, I'm doing everything I can to hold onto hope that one day the partial good stuff we experience now will be a full, no-holds-barred, nothing-lacking kind of good, that I'm promised does not disappoint.
Monday, June 09, 2008
The Grey Zone
In this day and age of post-feminism and whatnot, it can be hard to figure out healthy, cross-gender friendship. Especially because almost everything attraction-oriented goes unspoken, as already discussed in The Available Sign.
Sometimes, it's easier than others. It's hopefully clear if the guy is married (though sadly this is not always the case) or if there is clearly no attraction on either side. Everything else can potentially be a sticky area...or what I'm calling the Grey Zone. I hate the Grey Zone for the exact same reasons I hate all things where we can't just be clear and upfront with what's going on. There are plenty of single cross-gender friendships that exist in the Grey Zone, and much of the time one person doesn't even know it. Sometimes both people know it, but don't know the other person knows it. And sometimes, both people know it and choose to remain in it because they have issues. I won't bother to waste much time on this dynamic - it is an unhealthy situation that two consenting adults choose to be in, which means only they choose to get out.
The Catch 22 with the Grey Zone is that when dealing with unspoken feelings, we are relying entirely on our own ability to intuitively read a situation -- which no one can do with complete accuracy, and most people can't do at all if their own feelings are involved. And with men and women being as generally clueless as they are about how the other operates (see letter of 2005), sometimes you get one big, fat mess. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
So how to best approach the Grey Zone? As someone who has had more than enough Grey Zone fun for this lifetime, my plea is mostly to the same gender friends out there. If you see a Grey Zone in their life, love your friend enough to ask the awkward question, to suggest they follow more strict boundaries or even initiate a conversation with their possibly attracted friend to get clarity and either start or end something...before someone gets really invested and really hurt. Unfortunately, sometimes hurt is inevitable. But I also believe drama is avoidable.
Sometimes, it's easier than others. It's hopefully clear if the guy is married (though sadly this is not always the case) or if there is clearly no attraction on either side. Everything else can potentially be a sticky area...or what I'm calling the Grey Zone. I hate the Grey Zone for the exact same reasons I hate all things where we can't just be clear and upfront with what's going on. There are plenty of single cross-gender friendships that exist in the Grey Zone, and much of the time one person doesn't even know it. Sometimes both people know it, but don't know the other person knows it. And sometimes, both people know it and choose to remain in it because they have issues. I won't bother to waste much time on this dynamic - it is an unhealthy situation that two consenting adults choose to be in, which means only they choose to get out.
The Catch 22 with the Grey Zone is that when dealing with unspoken feelings, we are relying entirely on our own ability to intuitively read a situation -- which no one can do with complete accuracy, and most people can't do at all if their own feelings are involved. And with men and women being as generally clueless as they are about how the other operates (see letter of 2005), sometimes you get one big, fat mess. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.
So how to best approach the Grey Zone? As someone who has had more than enough Grey Zone fun for this lifetime, my plea is mostly to the same gender friends out there. If you see a Grey Zone in their life, love your friend enough to ask the awkward question, to suggest they follow more strict boundaries or even initiate a conversation with their possibly attracted friend to get clarity and either start or end something...before someone gets really invested and really hurt. Unfortunately, sometimes hurt is inevitable. But I also believe drama is avoidable.
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