As a female DJ, I realize some advances I receive are a-typical in context but I think in content probably not all that different. Here are two scenarios with the same lesson to single men everywhere: Don't Do That. I'll italicize particular Don't Dos and give footnotes for easy learning.
SCENARIO 1:
- (strange man makes his way to talk to me at Barcopa, standing about 6 inches from me* as he speaks) "I noticed you dancing from over there - are you really into music?"
- "Actually yes, I'm one of the DJs here."
- "Oh really? I'm here with a friend of mine from Bad Boy...I work with industry people a lot**."
- "I see. I'm sorry, did you say you're a musician?"
- "No, no... I'm from New York and I (blah blah blah not making sense - he also has more of a southern accent than NY, but whatever) but I have a lot of connections in the music industry. I actually am not much of a club person - but once in a while I like to get out, mix it up, meet some hos..." (I'm trying to take a step back to create personal space, he keeps moving in so his breath is on my damn face and now he's touching my arm for effect with the "hos" comment***)
- "huh-huh..." (that's me not really laughing and giving him my "did you just call me a ho?" look)
- "So can I have a dance?"
- "Thank you, I'm very flattered but I don't think so."
- "Can I buy you a drink?"
- "I don't drink actually...but thank you."
- "Can I just get you anything at all?"
- "You can get me a bottle of water if you want."
(after getting me a bottle of water and trying to force me to dance with him****, I politely tell him to buzz off. Good. Lord.)
* I am generally not a person with a huge need for personal space. With people I'm close with, or have known and bonded with for more than 30 minutes, I am very free. But if you are a complete stranger to me, don't be all up in my face like you're about to swallow me whole.
** As a DJ who has had to deal with a Crazy Promoter Man already, don't pull that line on me. It only serves as a red flag.
*** I'm sorry, did you just call me a ho? And do you really not know why that's not a turn-on?
**** I'm all for being pursued by a guy where it has been established that he is actually interested in me as a person. But if we are at a bar or club and you just called me a ho, so it's clear to all what is happening here, no means no. And not taking no for an answer really just hurts your cause.
Take-Aways for the dude: If you're interested in having an actual conversation with me, we could hit it off. If you're looking for a ho, we definitely won't.
SCENARIO 2 setup: I'm DJ-ing a middle of the night, prime time dancefloor set and notice a guy trying to get my attention. As a DJ, most of the time people trying to get your attention are wanting to make requests.
- "Hi, can I help you?"
- "Hi, what's your name?"
- "Um...Tina, or DJ Mixtine."
- "Hi, I'm Blah-blah-blah. Why don't you come dance with me?*"
- (silent for a moment...unsure of how to state the obvious politely, so I give up) "I'm DJ-ING right now." (hand gestures indicate this actually requires concentration and me not being on the dancefloor)
- "Well how about you take a break or something?"
- "I'm sorry, I need for you to leave me alone right now." (go back to DJ-ing, have now missed a cue and need to find a song)
- "Well how about I get you a drink? Do you want some food?"
- (annoyed, talk to the hand gesture - he finally goes away)
*I'll just make some overall commentary on what not to do. If a girl is DJ-ing, maybe you should WAIT 'TIL SHE'S DONE to try and have this conversation. And as a girl who inherited her mom's propensity to her to speak her mind that can sometimes backfire, I should have been nicer about telling the guy to buzz off. There's no need to be rude, even to the slimey.
Hopefully, this was an enlightening lesson for all. I know I learned a couple of things...
Friday, November 16, 2007
The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Sometimes a single female such as myself will find herself the victim of a beast more terrible than she could nightmare up: The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.
Although there may in fact be nothing remotely romantic or physical going on between you and your male friend who broke her heart, the fact that you are friends may be enough fodder to awake the beast. For whatever reason -- maybe you share a hobby with said male friend -- you are spending some time with the guy, he's helping you out, and then you encounter Crazy. Crazy will do anything to manipulate situations to make you feel smaller than her and establish herself in some imaginary fourth-grade seat of power. The worst part is, no one else in her sphere sees this because the rest of her domain consists of mostly men, who we all know are mostly blind to the manipulative workings of a woman - especially if she's hot - which suprisingly Crazy often is. Hot generally masks the Crazy for a good period of time.
After trying to be the bigger person and just let things go, and knowing full well if you bring things up with your male buddy that you will come off as the crazy one, there may come a point where a line has been crossed and a conversation must be had. Although frustrating, you may find that in most cases, Crazy is just incredibly insecure (which you probably figured) + incredibly un-self-aware. Not a good combo, and equally hard to reason with as an actual insane person. But with some willingness to confront Crazy and stand up for yourself while giving a little dallop of ego massage and extra measure of grace, things can be smoothed over.
In my own encounters with Crazy, I have had to swallow a rather large pill of pride. Although I did get a lot of trying to turn the tables on me, very little acceptance of responsibility and a very begrudging apology, it was an apology nonetheless and I needed to forgive her and be the bigger person because you can't really blame Crazy for not knowing any better. I don't know what her background is, but it's safe to assume Crazy generally wasn't loved enough as a child and that deserves compassion. Even if she was taking that out on you in the process. Crazy and I will probably never be best friends or even close, but at least civility and, more importantly, accountability have been reached. Thank God one of us at least has taken in some hard lessons in dealing with conflict -- it sure as hell prepares you for the ultimate test of managing Crazy.
Mental note: Crazy Ex can be a red flag for any guy you might be interested in. Especially if he still doesn't see it.
Although there may in fact be nothing remotely romantic or physical going on between you and your male friend who broke her heart, the fact that you are friends may be enough fodder to awake the beast. For whatever reason -- maybe you share a hobby with said male friend -- you are spending some time with the guy, he's helping you out, and then you encounter Crazy. Crazy will do anything to manipulate situations to make you feel smaller than her and establish herself in some imaginary fourth-grade seat of power. The worst part is, no one else in her sphere sees this because the rest of her domain consists of mostly men, who we all know are mostly blind to the manipulative workings of a woman - especially if she's hot - which suprisingly Crazy often is. Hot generally masks the Crazy for a good period of time.
After trying to be the bigger person and just let things go, and knowing full well if you bring things up with your male buddy that you will come off as the crazy one, there may come a point where a line has been crossed and a conversation must be had. Although frustrating, you may find that in most cases, Crazy is just incredibly insecure (which you probably figured) + incredibly un-self-aware. Not a good combo, and equally hard to reason with as an actual insane person. But with some willingness to confront Crazy and stand up for yourself while giving a little dallop of ego massage and extra measure of grace, things can be smoothed over.
In my own encounters with Crazy, I have had to swallow a rather large pill of pride. Although I did get a lot of trying to turn the tables on me, very little acceptance of responsibility and a very begrudging apology, it was an apology nonetheless and I needed to forgive her and be the bigger person because you can't really blame Crazy for not knowing any better. I don't know what her background is, but it's safe to assume Crazy generally wasn't loved enough as a child and that deserves compassion. Even if she was taking that out on you in the process. Crazy and I will probably never be best friends or even close, but at least civility and, more importantly, accountability have been reached. Thank God one of us at least has taken in some hard lessons in dealing with conflict -- it sure as hell prepares you for the ultimate test of managing Crazy.
Mental note: Crazy Ex can be a red flag for any guy you might be interested in. Especially if he still doesn't see it.
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