The High-Maintenance Man

Some may mistakenly equate him with the Metrosexual. But although the High-Maintenance Man (heretofore referred to as the HMM) is often also a Metro, he is not defined merely by the same superficial qualities regarding style and self-care. To clarify, the HMM is not necessarily a primper -- but he's definitely high-maintenance in a relationship.

Who is he? He's particular, a bit moody, used to being somewhat catered to (HMMs are often youngest childs), a man of strong opinions about most everything, often discerning and intuitive -- as they themselves are generally sensitive to others' needs and expectations. He often has a thoughtful, introspective side -- more of an idealist than a practical "let's make this work" man. He often has a way with the ladies, because he thinks so much like most women.

He is Annakin Skywalker, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, or at his worst, Tom Cruise.

The initial draw of the HMM is his sensitivity, and his ability to relate to the HMW (HMWs are a dominant group of the female gender). We feel known by him, we feel like he "gets" us. When he shares some pet peeve or neurosis, we respond with "oh my god, me too!" But like many people, his strength is his weakness. Like the HMW, he is bothered by particular things for reasons only he can identify (or sometimes not). He may need pampering if the wrong button is pushed. And depending on his own development, he may check out relationally for something you said or did that you had no idea would have that effect. The mature HMM (reality check: this is a rarity) will communicate through the neuroses, the less-mature will simply bail and find another playmate. He also is prone to playing mind games, though he may not intend or call it as such.

Low-Maintenance Women attracted to High-Maintenance Men is usually a combo that works well. But if you're an HMW attracted the HMM, compatibility gets a little more complicated. Once you're gotten past those easily identifiable flags -- Does he lie? No. Does he have the same values? Yes. Is he a codependent people-pleaser, slash needy for the affirmation of women? No. -- where do you go from there? Is one relationship just too small for two high-maintenance personalities? Is there just too much sensitivity and neurosis in that equation? Is the attraction really just an ego trip -- they're the guys most like us girls, making me still at the center?

The union of the HMW to the HMM is not an impossibility. But if you are in one of those high-maintenance/high-maintenance relationships, you must be healthy enough to deal with conflict and heed the warning signs. If you're playing Mommy and your needs have gone out the window, it's time to re-evaluate.


Yeah, NO.

Holy Crap

Between random tree trunks, a rotten grilled cheese sandwich and dirty underwear stains, I'm officially sick of the damn "I swear it's the face of Jesus and the holy mother Mary hidden in the fizz on that beer billboard" news. Granted, I've never been one to see the images on those teal mottled collages or even constellations other than the Big Dipper (iffy). But come on, people.


I'm sorry, is that Tupac Shakur?

For the Love of the DJ

If you're one of those who is in constant search for the perfect dance floor, I'm here to tell you Eureka, I've found it. Over the weekend I had the priviledge of watching my Scratch Academy profs Mr. Choc and DJ Hapa spin the 1s and 2s to create one of the most killer sets I've heard in a while. Choc had the real hip-hop covered, switching decades faster than you could say "I love this song," while Hapa went One DJ Fits All with everything from the Marvin Gaye to Snoop Dogg, to New Order to Bon Jovi -- he very well could have been digging into my own music collection. It was hot, hot, hot. They both nodded warm hellos to their former pupil-slash-girl who couldn't leave the dance floor, and she left inspired to hit those 1200s with renewed vigor.

To love it for yourself, Choc and Hapa will be DJing the gig known as "The Bridge" every fourth Saturday of the month at Little Temple Bar in Silver Lake.

Oh, and I might mention to the other ladies that it was nice and laid back on the vibe factor. Meaning no annoying Butt Man trying to freak you. There were even small clusters sans men that could enjoy the groove undisturbed. Major plus.

That Girl

Whether or not I ever get married or even date again, I have made a personal commitment never to become That Girl. And aside from what the whole of society might tell you, being single does not mean sacrificing your self-respect. And so, with you as my witnesses, I inwardly vow not to be...

- The Gwyneth: Wears retail as a security blanket. Clad in name brand and with nary a hair out of place, that girl is better dressed than most of the marrieds (or women period) at a party.

- The Bridget: Considers singleness a sickness. Casually peppers conversation with mention of her age and singlehood as if it were the plague. Awkward pause.

- The Angelina: The unattainable "other" woman, and she likes it that way. Flirts with all of the unavailable men (whether matrimonially or otherwise) and mostly ignores the singletons, then complains about there being no good guys out there.

- The Patricia: Warning -- prone to self-explosion. Talks endlessly about the important people she's connected with and cutting edge things she's involved in, hides how she really feels about herself behind her busy-ness.

- The Katie: Worships the studs of Hollywood fantasydom. Wants Richard Gere (or - er - Tom Cruise) to whisk her idealized Julia Roberts self on a white steed, a la Pretty Woman. Coos and cries how "The Notebook" was the greatest depiction of true love ever in film.

So how exactly to avoid becoming That Girl is a tricky matter. Unfortunately, frowning upon the women who do and are the aforementioned is actually not enough -- there are little bits of her in all of us. We cling to fantasy and affirmation for security and material possession for escape (or vice versa). But take a good long moment every so often to ask yourself what girl you really want to be, pray for a little understanding about perseverance and hope, and you're off to a good start.

Men for Sale -- Everything Must Go!

The older you get, the more your singleness starts to feel like a blowout sale.

When you start out, you are browsing for selection. This one looks better, this one fits better, this one seems nice but is way overpriced. Then items start to clear out. Some bought their sought-after mate at full price early on, so as not to lose him or her. Some looked around a while, buying and returning once or twice, then settled on someone at a fair value. But like all sales, the momentum picks up with time. Prices drop, selections grow more scarce -- especially the ones in your size -- and you need to jump in and grab before someone else does. Browsing has now become a frenetic search for what you want, and the clock is ticking.

If you're picky, like me, and must have everything just so before making a purchase -- material, washability, durability and a decent price -- the shopping spree can start to feel like a real drag. It's hard enough to find something you're prepared to invest in. But when he gets snatched right off the shelf in front of your nose, it can be very disheartening.

It's tempting then to walk out with nothing and toss in the towel. And that's okay. But a relationship is no superfluous extra jacket or pair of shoes. If it's something you really want and you walked in ready to buy (with no bad credit hanging over your head), eventually you've gotta pull out that checkbook and walk back in again. The clearance section may run out, but you never know when the new season's stock will arrive.

The Younger Man

For women, considering dating a younger man is not the same as a man dating a younger women. Some women claim that it's because men develop emotionally more slowly (read: are less mature) than women. But there are also other reasons.

The last thing a woman wants to do in a relationship is raise her boyfriend. In some ways, this will be inevitable. There is a fairly universal cluelessness that men are born with in certain areas -- they usually require a little coaching in sensitivity and sometimes social graces. Don't get me wrong -- some of us love to do this. With nurturing in our nature, we love to take care of our men in ways that are appropriate in a good symbiotic relationship. But when you get to the level of "stop pouting and shutting down" or "did you know a relationship involves two people?" and it's not getting any better, the age thing only weighs in on the feeling that your boyfriend has suddenly become your son.

So what's a girl to do when she's pushing 30 and the eligible men her age and up are dropping like flies? Well if you're Demi Moore, you're way beyond pushing 30 and you dive headfirst into that pool of you-could-be-my-son. Some never can break out of thinking anyone 27 and younger as bordering on illegal. And others will start to widen that door that previously only let a stray mid-20-er float through as someone who could make it on the 3-5 year plan. Only this gets complicated, because everyone has their own unspoken threshold of how old or young they will really go. And every person at age twenty-something is not at the same place of, well, emotional development (read: maturity).

I'll tell you this: There's nothing to push a single woman from 29 straight into mid-life crisis like a younger man making a jab at her age. And he's like 26. Dude, it's all relative.


Yippee-cay-ay, M.F.