The Ex Factor

Now I don't lose my place like I used to
I'm not moved by your artful display
You can't draw me in like you used to
But you can still ruin my day
-- Jon Brion

What is it about the Ex that seems to come back, even years after issues have been worked through, lessons have been learned -- at least within yourself -- and you've moved on? You meet his new girlfriend, he breaks up, he gets married... Depending on how you are doing at the moment you hear the news, it can still put a real damn damper on your day. If you're secure in your identity and the knowledge that you are loved by God, you're at a solid, "Good for him." On the other hand, if the issues of long term singleness have newly been stirred by something or you're just plain have a bad week for poor self-image, you can be back to, "Is there really justice in this world?"

The Relationship Really Did Happen
Even more interestingly, as you are on this vulnerable road, all manner of responses come out of those around you, especially when your friendship circles intersect. Denial - "Laugh and pretend things are normal, and they will be." Awkwardness - "If I avoid eye contact, maybe we don't have to deal with this for a while." Fear - "Who are you again?" Avoidance - "Let's just have an unspoken agreement that the other person doesn't exist." Meanwhile, a simple acknowledgment of the obvious is all it usually takes to break the weirdness and make a person feel like they aren't going crazy.


The Healing Process
There is an ebb and flow to getting over the Ex factor. The initial waves are more like a roller coaster -- riding high one week, on the verge of despair the next. But as time goes on and emotions get healed (not repressed), the waves are gentler and the lows more far between. Then eventually, you get to the point where it's no longer about time or distance, but purely about your own ability to let go of whatever litter remains of the debris that was your breakup.

The Hope
I believe now more than ever that it is possible to fully heal from the Ex factor. I'm well down that road myself. However, it doesn't mean it will never stop being weird that a person you once shared so much with has by the necessity of appropriateness becomes less than an acquaintance. The fully healed no longer take it personally and stop wondering what could have been. In the furthest along of cases, relief and joy actually replace it.

There Are No Good Women Out There

No, I haven't become a lesbian. But the phrase, "There are no good guys out there" is one that we've all heard somewhere before, and if you're a woman, you've probably said it at least once. I was once an avid user of the phrase myself, starting late high school and peaking at about age 22. When all is said and done, I was a habitual user for about half my life, really.

But two years ago, the dark year happened. It was my second year of counseling and things were really picking up momentum, especially since it coincided with a non-boyfriend situation that taught me how bad a girl's issues can blind her to the obvious (this is a lesson we women must learn at least three times before actually getting). As a result, I have started to see the -- er -- one-sidedness of that catch-phrase, which often operates as a crutch for women with some form of big fat relationship fear or a pretty comparable sized lack of self-awareness. So here is my letter of apology to single men at large, washed down with a gulp of pride:

Dear Men,
This is a confession. Women have issues. We sometimes judge you by impossible to meet standards. Or worse yet, expect good things out of emotionally unavailable men when the emotionally available are totally out there initiating, then call you all "no good" (isn't that stereotyping?). We acknowledge that several factors in the last couple of decades have increased the challenge for men -- the rise of feminism and an increase in dad issues has blurred lines of who initiates and when, what's too much and what's too little, put the responsibility for our self-worth and well-being unfairly into your hands, and overall just not cut you much slack. This doesn't excuse passivity, selfishness, egotism and certainly not dishonesty, but it does acknowledge that 1. not all of you are like that and 2. for every man with any of the above issues, there is a woman to toy with your mind, blow you off for reasons you don't understand and are not communicated to you, or play into your issues by squelching her own identity and not being real with you. And that warrants an honest to goodness apology.

Yours truly (because "Love" would be too gray and undefined),
A Sympathetic (but not a sucker) Woman

P.S. Actually, the one that would really get me if I were in your shoes -- okay, it pisses me off even not being in your shoes -- are those girls who will fool you into believing they are your dream woman and then treat others that are close to you like shit because they feel threatened by them. My advice would be to heed the warning signs and back away from this particular type. That's a mind game you can't win.

Losing His Virginity

The very title of the movie "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" left me at a loss for words when I first heard it. The obvious implication is of course that there really is no one out there who hasn't had sex by age 40. There's also the suggestion that if you haven't done it by age 40, you are either a closeted something or other, or there is clearly something wrong with you. The fact of the movie was a sign of the times.

The movie itself suprised me though. Yes, it had its share of gratuitous graphic sex jokes and a clear anti-PC thrust of men moving back to their beer 'n' lust caveman roots. But Andy the virgin wasn't half the nerd-slash-loser the billboards and previews made him out to be. Rather, he was quite a relateable -- and it should be noted, highly unusual these days -- man who had learned to fill his life with things other than an obsession with sex. I even found myself cheering a bit at the end, though with mixed feelings about the message of the overall film. It clearly confirmed my own read that our culture has flushed whatever shred of sanctity of marriage and sex existed even 15 years ago down the fungus-y, pond-scummy gutter and that abstinence is officially the new dirty word.

In a recent article on the celibate celebrity, the rarity of the virgin is discussed. When it comes to the industry, it's hard to say what came first -- did Britney lose her virginity in an act with her ex-pubescent boyfriend, or was her innocence already kaput from her "I'm not that innocent" moves on the big stage? Somewhere between my teens, when it was a really big friggin' deal that Brenda did it with bad boy Dylan on 90210, and today, when we see parents cheering on their kids for giving it up on The O.C., something went more than a little out of control. The problem is, people are also more depressed, have lower self-esteem and are more confused about their identity than ever. It's all so f-ed up. Literally.