All I Want For Christmas is...Stuff?

Match.com just published it's Top 10 Romantic Gestures of All Time. Regardless of how you feel about Ben's jewel-encrusted toilet seat for J.Lo, Eric Clapton's stealing another rock legend's wife with a song, or one inventor's painfully practical In-Sink-Erator to his dish-dutiful wife, a gift can says a lot about a relationship.

At the time, Richard Burton's multi-million-dollar rock for Liz Taylor may have made many a woman wish he was her knight in shining platinum gold armor. But once they split up, it might be called sadly trying. On the flip side, I know women who pamper their men with niceties often make me wonder if they're playing girlfriend or mother.

So what do people really want from eachother? Like sex, a gift given that is disproportionate to the intimacy that actually exists in a relationship can often be used as a pretense of true love, or even worse, manipulation. Rather than letting a person in and learning to care and even suffer with us (or vice versa), we are content to just convince others -- and ourselves -- that we look loved by what we've gotten. Whether Richard actually loved Elizabeth Taylor either time he married her, or Ben actually gave those rocks to Jennifer as a declaration of how much he truly valued her, I don't know. But dramatic fallouts that rivaled the size of their gifts make me wonder if these were more instances of gift mistaken for love.


Square-cut and pear-shaped are nice, but only a person is a best friend.

Facing Your Femm-esis

There comes a time when every woman must meet her femme-sis. The femme-sis is the anti-you, who has yet somehow managed to become your ex's next. She is (in your mind) the vixen who unkindly deceived your former man into thinking she was his dream come true. She has the agility and speed of a panther, the cunning of a fox, the venom of a python.

But actually meeting Ms. Thing is a different matter. And if you don't come in ready for it, it could send you into a state of confusion. But if you've done your homework and worked through your issues first -- while confrontation is an inevitable part of the healing process, it musn't be rushed -- and you're good and ready, a few things may happen.

1. Toxic Shock Syndrome - Either she really is or she really isn't as bad as she was in your dreams. Either way will come as somewhat of a shock, because in most cases, she will still not be what you expected (few humans have three heads). You will inevitably compare yourself to her, as much as you don't want to. You will try to find new reasons to hate her.

2. Rejection Relapse - Some find themselves in shorter or longer periods of this stage, whereby the differences between self and femme-sis have been documented and entered into the unanswerable rat wheel of "why her and not me." You must wrestle through all of your insecurities, competitive tendencies and general lack of reason in order to get through this one. Some skip this stage, and on the other hand some never emerge.

3. Ex-Evaluation - Because you have acquired new data, it is important -- as with all sciences -- to draw some new conclusions: A new lineup of pet peeves, a new list of "I'll never be with a man who ______" statements, and if you've been dealing with your own junk like a good woman does, a reinforced peace of mind because you've finally let go.

There's Something About Johnny

For once I'm not talking about Johnny Depp. I've found another.

I've always admired Johnny Cash from afar, knowing as much about him and his music that fellow sound-obsessed friend Tmas would naturally effuse whenever given the opportunity. I just knew he was a troubled soul, and when all is said and done, one bad M.F. (Not bad meaning bad, but bad meaning good.)

Then I saw Walk the Line, the biopic I just pre-raved about in previous Sexiest Man Alive post below. I should clarify that when I say "Johnny," in this particular case it's the embodiment of two hot men, Johnny-plus-Joaquin. No disrespect to either Joaquin or the Man in Black himself, but it's the meeting of the hot with the cool that made for one mesmerizing man. I never thought Joaquin would achieve the status of late brother River in my mind and heart, but this was the role that pushed him over the line for me. Maybe it was the acting, maybe it was the vulnerability in wild outlaw turned church boy, maybe it was those songs -- "steady like a train, sharp like a razor" -- whatever it was, I'm wearing black today.


Men in Black

Sexiest Man Alive, Schmexiest Schman Aschlive

People has just named smarmy badboy Matthew McConaughey as 2005 Sexiest Man Alive. Let's have a moment of silence.

In a year where sexiest boy next door Jake Gyllenhaal came out (no pun intended) with a double feature season, sexiest man on Broadway Taye Diggs reprised his role in Rent, the movie, sexiest rapper/producer Kanye West released his sophomore album with close a million sold in the first week, and sexiest biopic actor Joaquin Phoenix played coolest dead country singer Johnny Cash -- I'm sorry, but no.

It should also be noted that Tom Cruise, a former SMA winner, did not appear at all on this year's list. Gee.


Boyish.
Debonair.
Cool.
Uh...no.

The High-Maintenance Man

Some may mistakenly equate him with the Metrosexual. But although the High-Maintenance Man (heretofore referred to as the HMM) is often also a Metro, he is not defined merely by the same superficial qualities regarding style and self-care. To clarify, the HMM is not necessarily a primper -- but he's definitely high-maintenance in a relationship.

Who is he? He's particular, a bit moody, used to being somewhat catered to (HMMs are often youngest childs), a man of strong opinions about most everything, often discerning and intuitive -- as they themselves are generally sensitive to others' needs and expectations. He often has a thoughtful, introspective side -- more of an idealist than a practical "let's make this work" man. He often has a way with the ladies, because he thinks so much like most women.

He is Annakin Skywalker, Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, or at his worst, Tom Cruise.

The initial draw of the HMM is his sensitivity, and his ability to relate to the HMW (HMWs are a dominant group of the female gender). We feel known by him, we feel like he "gets" us. When he shares some pet peeve or neurosis, we respond with "oh my god, me too!" But like many people, his strength is his weakness. Like the HMW, he is bothered by particular things for reasons only he can identify (or sometimes not). He may need pampering if the wrong button is pushed. And depending on his own development, he may check out relationally for something you said or did that you had no idea would have that effect. The mature HMM (reality check: this is a rarity) will communicate through the neuroses, the less-mature will simply bail and find another playmate. He also is prone to playing mind games, though he may not intend or call it as such.

Low-Maintenance Women attracted to High-Maintenance Men is usually a combo that works well. But if you're an HMW attracted the HMM, compatibility gets a little more complicated. Once you're gotten past those easily identifiable flags -- Does he lie? No. Does he have the same values? Yes. Is he a codependent people-pleaser, slash needy for the affirmation of women? No. -- where do you go from there? Is one relationship just too small for two high-maintenance personalities? Is there just too much sensitivity and neurosis in that equation? Is the attraction really just an ego trip -- they're the guys most like us girls, making me still at the center?

The union of the HMW to the HMM is not an impossibility. But if you are in one of those high-maintenance/high-maintenance relationships, you must be healthy enough to deal with conflict and heed the warning signs. If you're playing Mommy and your needs have gone out the window, it's time to re-evaluate.


Yeah, NO.

Holy Crap

Between random tree trunks, a rotten grilled cheese sandwich and dirty underwear stains, I'm officially sick of the damn "I swear it's the face of Jesus and the holy mother Mary hidden in the fizz on that beer billboard" news. Granted, I've never been one to see the images on those teal mottled collages or even constellations other than the Big Dipper (iffy). But come on, people.


I'm sorry, is that Tupac Shakur?

For the Love of the DJ

If you're one of those who is in constant search for the perfect dance floor, I'm here to tell you Eureka, I've found it. Over the weekend I had the priviledge of watching my Scratch Academy profs Mr. Choc and DJ Hapa spin the 1s and 2s to create one of the most killer sets I've heard in a while. Choc had the real hip-hop covered, switching decades faster than you could say "I love this song," while Hapa went One DJ Fits All with everything from the Marvin Gaye to Snoop Dogg, to New Order to Bon Jovi -- he very well could have been digging into my own music collection. It was hot, hot, hot. They both nodded warm hellos to their former pupil-slash-girl who couldn't leave the dance floor, and she left inspired to hit those 1200s with renewed vigor.

To love it for yourself, Choc and Hapa will be DJing the gig known as "The Bridge" every fourth Saturday of the month at Little Temple Bar in Silver Lake.

Oh, and I might mention to the other ladies that it was nice and laid back on the vibe factor. Meaning no annoying Butt Man trying to freak you. There were even small clusters sans men that could enjoy the groove undisturbed. Major plus.

That Girl

Whether or not I ever get married or even date again, I have made a personal commitment never to become That Girl. And aside from what the whole of society might tell you, being single does not mean sacrificing your self-respect. And so, with you as my witnesses, I inwardly vow not to be...

- The Gwyneth: Wears retail as a security blanket. Clad in name brand and with nary a hair out of place, that girl is better dressed than most of the marrieds (or women period) at a party.

- The Bridget: Considers singleness a sickness. Casually peppers conversation with mention of her age and singlehood as if it were the plague. Awkward pause.

- The Angelina: The unattainable "other" woman, and she likes it that way. Flirts with all of the unavailable men (whether matrimonially or otherwise) and mostly ignores the singletons, then complains about there being no good guys out there.

- The Patricia: Warning -- prone to self-explosion. Talks endlessly about the important people she's connected with and cutting edge things she's involved in, hides how she really feels about herself behind her busy-ness.

- The Katie: Worships the studs of Hollywood fantasydom. Wants Richard Gere (or - er - Tom Cruise) to whisk her idealized Julia Roberts self on a white steed, a la Pretty Woman. Coos and cries how "The Notebook" was the greatest depiction of true love ever in film.

So how exactly to avoid becoming That Girl is a tricky matter. Unfortunately, frowning upon the women who do and are the aforementioned is actually not enough -- there are little bits of her in all of us. We cling to fantasy and affirmation for security and material possession for escape (or vice versa). But take a good long moment every so often to ask yourself what girl you really want to be, pray for a little understanding about perseverance and hope, and you're off to a good start.

Men for Sale -- Everything Must Go!

The older you get, the more your singleness starts to feel like a blowout sale.

When you start out, you are browsing for selection. This one looks better, this one fits better, this one seems nice but is way overpriced. Then items start to clear out. Some bought their sought-after mate at full price early on, so as not to lose him or her. Some looked around a while, buying and returning once or twice, then settled on someone at a fair value. But like all sales, the momentum picks up with time. Prices drop, selections grow more scarce -- especially the ones in your size -- and you need to jump in and grab before someone else does. Browsing has now become a frenetic search for what you want, and the clock is ticking.

If you're picky, like me, and must have everything just so before making a purchase -- material, washability, durability and a decent price -- the shopping spree can start to feel like a real drag. It's hard enough to find something you're prepared to invest in. But when he gets snatched right off the shelf in front of your nose, it can be very disheartening.

It's tempting then to walk out with nothing and toss in the towel. And that's okay. But a relationship is no superfluous extra jacket or pair of shoes. If it's something you really want and you walked in ready to buy (with no bad credit hanging over your head), eventually you've gotta pull out that checkbook and walk back in again. The clearance section may run out, but you never know when the new season's stock will arrive.

The Younger Man

For women, considering dating a younger man is not the same as a man dating a younger women. Some women claim that it's because men develop emotionally more slowly (read: are less mature) than women. But there are also other reasons.

The last thing a woman wants to do in a relationship is raise her boyfriend. In some ways, this will be inevitable. There is a fairly universal cluelessness that men are born with in certain areas -- they usually require a little coaching in sensitivity and sometimes social graces. Don't get me wrong -- some of us love to do this. With nurturing in our nature, we love to take care of our men in ways that are appropriate in a good symbiotic relationship. But when you get to the level of "stop pouting and shutting down" or "did you know a relationship involves two people?" and it's not getting any better, the age thing only weighs in on the feeling that your boyfriend has suddenly become your son.

So what's a girl to do when she's pushing 30 and the eligible men her age and up are dropping like flies? Well if you're Demi Moore, you're way beyond pushing 30 and you dive headfirst into that pool of you-could-be-my-son. Some never can break out of thinking anyone 27 and younger as bordering on illegal. And others will start to widen that door that previously only let a stray mid-20-er float through as someone who could make it on the 3-5 year plan. Only this gets complicated, because everyone has their own unspoken threshold of how old or young they will really go. And every person at age twenty-something is not at the same place of, well, emotional development (read: maturity).

I'll tell you this: There's nothing to push a single woman from 29 straight into mid-life crisis like a younger man making a jab at her age. And he's like 26. Dude, it's all relative.


Yippee-cay-ay, M.F.

The Ex Factor

Now I don't lose my place like I used to
I'm not moved by your artful display
You can't draw me in like you used to
But you can still ruin my day
-- Jon Brion

What is it about the Ex that seems to come back, even years after issues have been worked through, lessons have been learned -- at least within yourself -- and you've moved on? You meet his new girlfriend, he breaks up, he gets married... Depending on how you are doing at the moment you hear the news, it can still put a real damn damper on your day. If you're secure in your identity and the knowledge that you are loved by God, you're at a solid, "Good for him." On the other hand, if the issues of long term singleness have newly been stirred by something or you're just plain have a bad week for poor self-image, you can be back to, "Is there really justice in this world?"

The Relationship Really Did Happen
Even more interestingly, as you are on this vulnerable road, all manner of responses come out of those around you, especially when your friendship circles intersect. Denial - "Laugh and pretend things are normal, and they will be." Awkwardness - "If I avoid eye contact, maybe we don't have to deal with this for a while." Fear - "Who are you again?" Avoidance - "Let's just have an unspoken agreement that the other person doesn't exist." Meanwhile, a simple acknowledgment of the obvious is all it usually takes to break the weirdness and make a person feel like they aren't going crazy.


The Healing Process
There is an ebb and flow to getting over the Ex factor. The initial waves are more like a roller coaster -- riding high one week, on the verge of despair the next. But as time goes on and emotions get healed (not repressed), the waves are gentler and the lows more far between. Then eventually, you get to the point where it's no longer about time or distance, but purely about your own ability to let go of whatever litter remains of the debris that was your breakup.

The Hope
I believe now more than ever that it is possible to fully heal from the Ex factor. I'm well down that road myself. However, it doesn't mean it will never stop being weird that a person you once shared so much with has by the necessity of appropriateness becomes less than an acquaintance. The fully healed no longer take it personally and stop wondering what could have been. In the furthest along of cases, relief and joy actually replace it.

There Are No Good Women Out There

No, I haven't become a lesbian. But the phrase, "There are no good guys out there" is one that we've all heard somewhere before, and if you're a woman, you've probably said it at least once. I was once an avid user of the phrase myself, starting late high school and peaking at about age 22. When all is said and done, I was a habitual user for about half my life, really.

But two years ago, the dark year happened. It was my second year of counseling and things were really picking up momentum, especially since it coincided with a non-boyfriend situation that taught me how bad a girl's issues can blind her to the obvious (this is a lesson we women must learn at least three times before actually getting). As a result, I have started to see the -- er -- one-sidedness of that catch-phrase, which often operates as a crutch for women with some form of big fat relationship fear or a pretty comparable sized lack of self-awareness. So here is my letter of apology to single men at large, washed down with a gulp of pride:

Dear Men,
This is a confession. Women have issues. We sometimes judge you by impossible to meet standards. Or worse yet, expect good things out of emotionally unavailable men when the emotionally available are totally out there initiating, then call you all "no good" (isn't that stereotyping?). We acknowledge that several factors in the last couple of decades have increased the challenge for men -- the rise of feminism and an increase in dad issues has blurred lines of who initiates and when, what's too much and what's too little, put the responsibility for our self-worth and well-being unfairly into your hands, and overall just not cut you much slack. This doesn't excuse passivity, selfishness, egotism and certainly not dishonesty, but it does acknowledge that 1. not all of you are like that and 2. for every man with any of the above issues, there is a woman to toy with your mind, blow you off for reasons you don't understand and are not communicated to you, or play into your issues by squelching her own identity and not being real with you. And that warrants an honest to goodness apology.

Yours truly (because "Love" would be too gray and undefined),
A Sympathetic (but not a sucker) Woman

P.S. Actually, the one that would really get me if I were in your shoes -- okay, it pisses me off even not being in your shoes -- are those girls who will fool you into believing they are your dream woman and then treat others that are close to you like shit because they feel threatened by them. My advice would be to heed the warning signs and back away from this particular type. That's a mind game you can't win.

Losing His Virginity

The very title of the movie "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" left me at a loss for words when I first heard it. The obvious implication is of course that there really is no one out there who hasn't had sex by age 40. There's also the suggestion that if you haven't done it by age 40, you are either a closeted something or other, or there is clearly something wrong with you. The fact of the movie was a sign of the times.

The movie itself suprised me though. Yes, it had its share of gratuitous graphic sex jokes and a clear anti-PC thrust of men moving back to their beer 'n' lust caveman roots. But Andy the virgin wasn't half the nerd-slash-loser the billboards and previews made him out to be. Rather, he was quite a relateable -- and it should be noted, highly unusual these days -- man who had learned to fill his life with things other than an obsession with sex. I even found myself cheering a bit at the end, though with mixed feelings about the message of the overall film. It clearly confirmed my own read that our culture has flushed whatever shred of sanctity of marriage and sex existed even 15 years ago down the fungus-y, pond-scummy gutter and that abstinence is officially the new dirty word.

In a recent article on the celibate celebrity, the rarity of the virgin is discussed. When it comes to the industry, it's hard to say what came first -- did Britney lose her virginity in an act with her ex-pubescent boyfriend, or was her innocence already kaput from her "I'm not that innocent" moves on the big stage? Somewhere between my teens, when it was a really big friggin' deal that Brenda did it with bad boy Dylan on 90210, and today, when we see parents cheering on their kids for giving it up on The O.C., something went more than a little out of control. The problem is, people are also more depressed, have lower self-esteem and are more confused about their identity than ever. It's all so f-ed up. Literally.

The Sex Hair Type

We all know what it is, we maybe just never articulated it. Most Laker girls and Dallas cowboy cheerleaders have it. Angelina Jolie has won many a married man with it. Women over the decades have quickened pulses with it, from Rita Hayworth to Elle Macpherson. It's that long, tousled, slightly unkempt mane a woman sports for the wild feminine look my friend J-dub has labeled "sex hair."

The just-out-of-bed look is most recently spotted on Catherine Keener in the summer flick phenom, "The 40 Year Old Virgin" (concept alone will merit its own blog soon to come). A male coworker confessed that he and his friend made the do a major topic of discussion post-viewing, and another chimed in that her man also mentioned "really liking her hair." Sex hair has somehow snuck under the radar of desired features, falling a far third to the two more cliche body parts. But never underestimate the power of hair. That is, of course, if you are into that sort of power.

Personally, I find it ironic that women with a full head of thick, abundant hair are constantly doing all they can to control it: straight perming, layering, learning the exact length it can't go shorter than or you'll risk having UFO-head. The natural look takes a ton of product. Would men be so taken with those flowing locks if they had to wait hours and spend hundreds to perfect it? Is that what broke up Ben and J.Lo?


To men: A fantasy
To women: A nightmare of conditioner

Starting from SCRATCH

As my roommate situation is officially in flux and I've already lost one to the inland empire, I'm also finishing up my third DJ class, Scratch 202. There are certain seasons in life that are signified by change -- and by change I mean a loss of the way relationships were before and the beginning of some new ones.

At such times as this, there's nothing like a little music therapy. Here are a few that come to mind that have helped me get through some beginnings and ends, or seasons of relationships. I personally have found it therapeutic to make mixes out of transitional times. Of course, I do wanna be a DJ...

Breakup? Jon Brion's "Ruin My Day" (Meaningless), John Legend's "Used to Love You" (Get Lifted), Radiohead's "Let Down"
Transition? Keane's "Everybody's Changing" (Hopes and Fears)
Getting over relationship? Howard Jones' "Everlasting Love," Voice of the Beehive's "Adonis Blue" (Honey Lingers)
Your issues? The Bangles' "If She Knew What She Wants" (Different Light), Billy Joel's "She's Always a Woman" (The Stranger)
Nostalgia? Oingo Boingo's "We Close Our Eyes" (Boi-ngo)
Saying goodbye? "For Good" (Wicked soundtrack)
Frustrated? New Order's "Love Less," James' "Say Something" (Laid)
Family whatever? Kanye West's "Family Business" (College Dropout)
Comfort song? Stevie Wonder's "Knocks Me Off My Feet" (Close of the Century collection)

I think everyone has their own soundtrack -- or if you're like me, multiple ones. Not all of these are even good songs. Sometimes it just takes a killer beat with the right resonant phrase. Seriously -- thank God for music.


Break it down like this.

Crushless in August

I don't know what that says. You might say it's healthy that there's no male object of fantasy, especially after last month's acknowledgement of idealization issues. You might say having a series of nightmares about past boyfriends and their self-centeredness or some recent close-but-not-really options has tired me to the gender in general. Or maybe in a month soon to come I'll actually have a real crush, who can say.

But like Jennifer Aniston, I've been through therapy, I'm learning to deal, and I still believe in happily ever after (with some hard work, of course).

On Being 20...For the Last Time

Turning 29 -- I'm told -- is actually worse than turning 30. 29 is the oldest year of your 20s, whereas 30 is the very bottom of your 30s. Yeah, I don't really buy it either. At 29, I'm in my last year of quasi-youth (and quickly losing it).

At the same time, I certainly will not miss the decade of much self-imposed angst, drama and general confusion about my identity. You enter your 20s thinking you have it all figured out with a nice laundry list of goals to achieve by the big 3-0. You leave them realizing you are probably just about starting adulthood. Career path: uncheck. Life's calling: uncheck. Marriage: uncheck. Prospects: TBD.

But according to Psalm 139, my whole life was intimately mapped out for me before I was even born. And I can proudly say as I enter my 30th year of life, that that makes me breathe a nice big sigh of relief. It means I don't have to give in to the sex-and-power-driven rules this world abides by -- and meanwhile, the possibilities of where laundry-list items 1-4 can go are endless. As I read meaningful notes written to me from a few close friends today, I felt one thing only: grateful. Grateful I made it through another year without giving in, grateful to have real friendships that have withstood some pretty hard times, grateful that my life with God gives me a future with hope as I've seen hope crumble over many others' terrible 20s. I'm less in control than I've ever been...and it feels great.


Me clinging for dear life on a Sit 'n' Spin. Things can only go up from here.

What is Good

Meanwhile the Emperor Penguins are doing great. There is hope left in this world.


You know that girl who obsesses over anything cuddly and non-human? I'm so not that girl -- but I can't find fault with this little bun. Apparently neither can millions of movie watchers.

Jenifa, Oh Jenny

Stop the presses. Jennifer has spoken.

Hearing snippets of the article that is on it's way to my mailbox, I don't deny it, only confirms what my ESP already told me about the Brennifer fallout. Contrast Jenifa's vulnerability with Brad's vague talk of their altered form of love and I don't know what with Angelina, and I gotta say badly done, Brad. Badly done.

Thing is, there will always be someone hotter out there. Jude did it to Sienna, Brad to Jennifer and there are countless other stories. Of course, that also means that there's someone even hotter than Angelina and the Nanny, too. It comes down to that damn human you-can-never-get-enough-of-what-you-don't-really-need nature.

Other headlines today: Renee Zellweger is Having Marriage Problems and Jessica and Nick Rumored to Have Filed for Divorce. Those are both big shockers, I know.

July Crush, Post-Script

A couple of honorable mentions for July's Crush of the Month...

1. I finally saw Batman Begins and must concur with tpb, that Christian Bale is one tasty morsel of a superhero. If anyone else out there can kick Liam Neeson's ass while lisping his way through the dialogue and pull it off like it ain't no thing, I will also call you hot. And how adorable is a man who says this: I enjoy saying "my wife." I made a guy apologize to her the other night because he was rude. After saying, "You, apologize to my wife," I couldn't stop laughing because it felt great to say it.

2. Last month marked what would have been Tupac Shakur's 34th birthday. Having just watched Tupac: Resurrection, I became a fan all over again -- only this time in more of that obsessed and in love kind of way. Just kidding -- but not really. The guy had enough charisma, talent, leadership and straight heart to become the most influencial rap artist in history. I live in the hood -- we've all got love for Pac. He alone can rap about being a player and actually keep my respect. Because he's not glorifying it, it's just real. Special features also show Snoop Dogg attributing Pac as the one who saved his marriage. Now if only my boys would take that one in.


Man in the cape


Man in the hood

P.P.S. How much more unavailable are a married superhero and a dead man? It's all in July's Crush Theme I suppose.

For Your Reading Pleasure

...and my reading pain.

Bloggers Learn the Price of Telling Too Much

Thanks to homeslice JV for this link.

Worst Comes to Worst, My Peoples Come First

There's nothing like a trip home to remind you where all of your psychosis comes from. I learned the following on my visit with the 'rents last week:

1. The countries of Asia jointly signed a secret pact rejecting all schools of thought regarding psychology, that may or may not have been lifted by now.
2. What the world needs now -- in addition to love, sweet love -- is some really good listeners.
3. When you put a man and woman together, there many mathematical combinations of dysfunction, but also some room for some killer qualities (if you're lucky).

The Celebrity Dating Scene

A few months ago, before Brangelina blew over, a coworker overheard a couple of gals at her health club gabbing about one of their dates that night -- a setup with Brad Pitt. (Note: The girl was Asian. It really could have been me.) Now, friend JJ Fad may be set up with a former big dog pro-athlete.

I think we've all clued into the fact that America really is not the land of opportunity, nor is Hollywood the place where dreams come true. But only in LA are you really six degrees within dating a celebrity. Of course the catch is, they're just people too.

Now Luke (Wilson), will you please call me?

No Sex Quotes

"You know how I said before I'd rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right? I'd rather be right." -- Amanda Jones, Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

Back in the day when John Hughes rocked my world of movies, and the Brat Pack spoke the profound truths about our generation's insecurities, fears and cover-ups (hello, Andie Walsh), Howard Deutsch directed this brilliant one -- one of John Hughes' most underrated.


Keith: You always hurt the ones you love. Watts: So when are you going to beat the shit out of Amanda Jones?

July "Un-Crush" of the Month: Agent Jack Bauer

This is a special edition of "Crush of the Month." Yes, I am in love with Jack Bauer. But I say "uncrush" because this love is the kind that actually reveals something messed up about the way I process love.

Jack Bauer is an agent with the CTU -- counter terrorist unit -- on the hit FOX series 24. As my co-obsessed friends and I were indulging in the first of two 4-6 hour marathons over the weekend (as 24 should rightly be ingested), I professed my love for the ever-dedicated, badass-yet-selflessly-caring, gentle with women but can interogate/torture the bad guys like no one else, and of course with the brain of a street-smart strategic genius. Much to my shock, cohort Bahn Mi spit out, "Why? He's got emotional issues." And in a simple exchange, I was cut to the heart.

Somehow, FOX TV has created a quintessential fantasy man, covered him in chocolate and sprinkled him with a miracle or two for this BAK. He's hot, he's intense, he's deep -- but he's (ding, ding) emotionally unavailable.


I'll gladly drop and give you 20, Jack.


Who is this international man of mystery?

So because I've already declared to myself and you all that I'm kicking the Woman Drug habit, I must call this one an "uncrush." It was never meant to be.

Bennifer Schmennifer

Now that no one actually cares, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner have indeed tied that knot. That's a real noble gesture for Ben to have actually married the woman he impregnanted months ago. We'll see how long this one lasts. Hollywood is the new ghetto.

I have to wonder if J.Lo feels extra slighted by the fact that he chose another Jennifer in her stead, and that she's white. I guess at the end of the day, as much time as he may have spent slathering Bain de Soleil in tanning salons, Ben could never be brown either.

Are Christians Actual People?

Case 1: At the Michael Jackson trial, I was reminded of how Christians will use every high-profile opportunity to wave signs like "You're going to hell" or "Jesus is the only way for you sorry motherf*ckers" (okay, not in so many words) in some socially retarded attempt to get their message across. Whether that's the actual message of God's soul-fulfilling love and beyond-our-comprehension ability to change us or just a person's own agenda to control and feel superior really depends on the particular messenger. Regardless, don't we know that it's just plain weird? Some boys in my hood that are part of the youth group I used to lead had a run-in with a Bible-beater at their school bus stop who told them they were going to hell -- he must have just assumed they were because of their ethnicity and the way they dressed. One boy said he would have socked the dude if he wasn't carrying a Bible. Oh, the sad irony.

Case 2: This whole Southern Baptist movement to boycott Disneyland for its providing benefits to gay employees has me utterly speechless. Yay to the Southern Baptists for finally ending the 8-year movement -- what a victory for the one gesture of not blatantly hating people.

It sure gets tiring to have to defend a group of people you in theory identify yourself with, but in practice are at such odds with when it comes to person-to-person values that are clearly repeated in the actual book known as the Bible. How about spending some of that time actually loving someone or learning how to relate to people different from you? Or is that too liberal a value?

One word: WHY

Being Jennifer Aniston

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt are also calling it quits professionally, parting ways on their joint production company, Plan B.

I wonder why we can't seem to get enough of hearing about the Jen-Brad-Angie triangle. Do we secretly love that Jennifer Aniston, the funny and beautiful, just got dumped? Does Brangelina make us feel like our issues aren't so bad after all, because at least we had the decency to wait two months before making our move -- or did we do the same thing and now we see beautiful, perfect people doing it too? Or like me, does it make you feel better about the times you felt rejected or humiliated or heartbroken, because clearly men are crazy if they throw away even a Rachel Green -- and at least your breakup wasn't published in every known media outlet?

Either way, I don't envy Jen right about now. It's bad enough when friends are insensitive to how a breakup -- much less a divorce -- may affect you. How much worse to have journalists you don't even know giving you love advice, like you should date Vince Vaughn (player and alleged jerk -- sorry man).

By the way, Brad, we suggest you ditch the faux-towhead look. Unless you're also planning on bleaching your eyebrows.


Split headshot: The official media sign for "breakup."

U2, Tribe Called Quest and Rev. Brenda Salter McNeil

I am one of the rare breed that actually likes to be preached at -- but it's gotta be good stuff. Not like meaningless, vague Bible-ese that sometimes gets thrown from the pulpit. For those who have no concept of why this is appealing, the closest I can compare it to would be attending a live show of a band you love: there is something about the music that moves your soul, the words and beat that your whole being can resonate with a "Now, that's right." You know there's nothing better than what you're hearing right then, that it's hard to duplicate the feeling and experience to those not present, other than to fellow worshippers of the band. (Do I hear a hey? Do I get a yo?)

This morning I heard a sermon entitled, "The Power of Weakness." Now that's something that makes me want to listen on. If ever asked what compels me to continue living what very few understand, this topic might be it. For a person who in general wears her heart on her sleeve (and sometimes gets herself in trouble for it), and has delved into situations and conversations that have called for honesty or unabashed apology (and not always met with the same), the word of God's power showing up only when we are weak is a word that brings makes me exhale.

Our democratic culture of so-called freedom and equal opportunity (don't even get me started on that one) says: achieve and succeed, your happiness depends on you -- your charm, your looks, your sex appeal, your social skills, your money, your ability to manipulate, your this your that, and for sure your strength in all of the above. Draining. I'm glad I follow a God that says the least will be on top, and those who are in touch with and admit the whole truth of their weakness and hand it over will get props in a big way -- especially since it will always be a ballsy move, no one ever does this. Now that's pretty good security for me, given my laundry list of issues...

Does this sound like the perfect relationship to you? I mean seriously, when does weakness and neediness equal security with a man?

Katie Officially Joins the Dark Side

Tom proposes to Katie Holmes

I was wrong -- I overestimated Tom Cruise. I thought they would be engaged a couple of months from now. But apparently, when Tom told EW, "It's gonna happen," in an eerie whisper (really, no one should ever be whispering in an interview -- there is no valid reason), he also meant "I'm crazier than you even think." My friend BBB thinks that everytime Nicole has a movie out, he does something extravagant. I can definitely see that. But seriously, what gives? I also think it's funny that people are still asking, "Is this a publicity stunt?" God people, wake up. It's much worse than that.

What I want to know is, don't either of them have even one friend or family member that will ask some basic questions, like "How many days have you actually known this person -- not counting movies you've seen them in"? Aren't Tom's friends concerned that he's now engaged to a minor (well, practically)? Has our culture really reached a point where it's that taboo to intervene in the lives of the people we love when we see something is wrong? I have know of people who will let friends get married when they know for a fact that someone is already cheating. I for one would speak up for things seen as much more minor but are equally serious in the realm of character and integrity. But those things have become as meaningless to us as commitment and vulnerability. (ooh -- ya burn!)

Lessons in Blogging

"In about 50 years you might start doin' some thinkin' on your own and by then you'll realize there are only two certainties in life... One, don't do that." -- Will Hunting, 1997

When I first started this blog, a friend of mine told me she admired my bravery in having my name attached to my blog, and that she's rather die than disclose her identity on hers. Her close friends and family for the most part didn't know it existed, giving her full safety to vent.

Well now that I'm about 5 months into my blogging career, and though I'm not about to commit suicide, I sure do see the wisdom in that. I suppose I have committed forms of suicide with certain people. Although I didn't start out wanting my blog to be a venting ground, the forum of being able to write whatever you damn well want to just sort of beckons for honesty. I'm sure if most people published their journal or innermost thoughts, they might also step on some toes.

So after a couple of extended stays in the shithouse, I'm realizing it's too late now. But now I'm much more careful about what I say and who I say it to, even if it's just "people in general." I guess it's good to be kept in check by your own dumb mistakes -- and definitely an exercise in letting go of things and people you can't control.


If only life stayed this simple...

Michael, Did You Do It?

Found not guilty on all 10 counts, the King of Pop once again evades the rules that apply to all other human beings. (Yes, I think he really did it.)

Those giving legal commentary say that there's nothing lonelier than being in the seat of the defendant, and that to be granted a not guilty verdict is like being told you've been cured of cancer and are free again. I found it an interesting comparison. I've known that feeling just being a human being in relationship with God. But it does take being in that lonely seat first in order to understand it. However in mine, and maybe other's cases, we know we're guilty, and it doesn't matter a damn thing what other people think. If a random group of 12 people just told me whatever I had done was okay or that I hadn't done it, it simply wouldn't be enough to make it actually go away.


What happened?

Would You Trust Russell Crowe?

Because apparently his wife doesn't.

From the AP on AOL News:
"I'm, you know, trying to fill my basic obligations to my wife who needs to know that I'm at home, I'm in bed, I haven't had too much to drink and, primely important, that I'm alone,'' he said.

Being a husband and father away from home is "a level of abject loneliness that I'm not used to at all,'' he said.

But, as his wife said, that's not much of an excuse because millions of dads have to travel, he said.

Then again, with couples like Tom & Nicole and Brad & Jennifer breaking up everyday, and being in a business where your husband is paid to get naked and make out with other attractive women, would you?

Do We Look Stupid, Brad?

From People Magazine:
And in an interview with Diane Sawyer, which aired on ABC's Primetime Live June 7, Pitt denied that Jolie was a "home wrecker" and implied that their relationship – Pitt's divorce from Jennifer Aniston remains unfinalized – has yet to be defined. Asked if he and his costar are now embarking on a romance, he said, "There's a lot still to, I guess, put into place . . . Listen, I don't know what the future is just yet." On the subject of Aniston, he was more direct, telling Sawyer that their split "doesn't mean you lose the love," though he admitted that "it's difficult now as we determine what the next juncture is."


I'm sorry, are those your breasts Angelina? Because we weren't sure if we caught them.

How Sad is This

I dare you to count the number of wrong things in this article.

I'll start us off...1) Their names are Paris and Paris.

My torrid affair with eBay

You may have noticed I dropped off the blog for a couple of dramatic months. Let's just say I was tied up...

I last mentioned eBay in my post, When the sh*t hits the fan, in which I spoke kindly but casually about a certain expectation that I know will be met in my relationship with eBay. But alas, as with so many relationships, things took a nosedive after we consummated it in my first purchase.

Yes, we've had some good times -- I did get a pair of Technic turntables and a solid Vestax Pro 5 mixer out of you, as well as a couple of vinyl collections. But I've been hurt before and I know when I'm being played. It starts with a little harmless flirtation: a pair of boots here, a hip-hop record there. Then you get into fantasy mode: My God, the possibilities of endless good deals on nearly new or NWOT (eBayese for "new without tags") items! The obscure bands I can never find albums for whose CDs will come to me with a simple search! That thing I thought I might need that one time that I can now get for cheap! Then eBay comes in for the kill with your first auction item won -- when you were just playing around, bidding pennies for crap. But the thrill is real. You move on to bigger purchases, get in a few tussles with faceless bitches that get a little ugly, but you come out good in the end. eBay still loves you, right?

But then it happens: You get swooped. (A "swooper" will violate by filching your item within the last three minutes of bidding. Dirty.) You learn a few lessons about placing your highest bid, but then it happens again...and again. It soon becomes clear that your relationship has gone from mutual love and respect to shameful degradation in just a few short weeks (or less than 30 seconds, depending on how you look at it).

My addiction to eBay stems in part from my own OCD, I admit. As another eA-er (eBayer Anonymous) commiserated with me, "eBay is the OCD person's dream come true." eBay is that one that seems so perfect with all the right qualities and answers, but in the end, really is just a fantasy. eBay isn't committed to you like you are, and has not one, not two -- but millions of other partners. You didn't want to believe it at first, even though you knew it was true.

Sigh. Back to working on relationships with real people.

Solution: The Not-Made-In-U.S.A. Man

My roommate Foxy Browne has gotten herself a real, flesh and blood, got-my-own-identity, able-to-commit and totally-in-love-with-you man. And of course, he's not American. She met him at a cafe of all places, and it was practically love at first sight. He saw, he liked, he asked for her number. And after a few rounds of crash-course culture and communication (Foxy's African-Am, homeslice is African), they have stars in their eyes and starting to say syrup-y things to one another. In a good way.

Foxy's not alone in her discovery of the all-non-American love. Gwyneth found happiness with the English, Johnny is down with the French, Britney is luvin' -- okay so she's just ghetto.

Note to self: Book that trip to south Asia ASAP.


Akeem: "Is it just me, or does every woman in Queens have some kind of an emotional problem?" (Now that's real wisdom out of Hollywood.)

The Daddy Fantasy

In a word, gross.

Examples past and present include Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones (although at least she is a full-grown woman), Billy Bob and Angelina, Ashton and Demi (the Mommy Fantasy), Lindsay Lohan and Bruce Willis (momentary), and did anyone see that flesh-crawler of a movie with Winona and Richard Gere?

As the sickness spreads throughout Hollywood, it's only a matter of time before it infests homes near you. We are slowly going from a collective, "eww," to the inevitable conclusion of everything in this country, "well, whatever makes you happy." "Happy" being a relative term, of course.

The latest victims are Tom and Katie, everyone favorite dartboard accessory du jour. Not quite sure where the uproar is coming from, given the multitude of couples that paved their way. Is it for real? Of course, it is -- well, fake-real. Poor Tom's in mid-life crisis and Katie is beside herself at the lavish attention of her former school-girl crush of two years ago. The couple zoomed to the MTV Movie Awards on a hog (of course), but dodged Liz Hernandez's Power 106 mike -- who was hoping to get an impromptu rap from Tommy C. about his newfound love. I think he woulda done it pre-Oprah show.

Careful, Katie. When you take away the Raybans, the laundry list of Spielberg blockbusters and Oscar noms, you'll find just your average freaky, fundamentalist Scientologist with female control issues.

Live footage of Tommy C!



Does this look funny to you?

June Crush of the Month: Help Me, Obi-Wan!

I. Love. Ewan.

He had me at "Moulin Rouge," singing his heart out as the adorable Christian, obsessed with love (which my sister will scoff at -- she discovered him much sooner). But it was no question who got the monthly crush slot for his gentle-yet-badass Obi-Wan Kenobi in "Star Wars, Episode 3." Alec Guiness would have been proud. Ewan nails the character with grace, and I love old Ben for his commitment and deep care for Anakin, despite the boy's crazy issues that make him betray his old mentor and loyal friend. Ewan's Obi-Wan holds fast to his Jedi convictions, and doesn't back down even when it means abandoning the one he had invested so much of his time and heart into. Obi-Wan, I feel your pain. Now will you marry me?


From lovestruck, singing bohemian...


...to saber-wielding Jedi master

May Crush of the Month: Double Up

In lieu of a new crush of the month, I'm having trouble getting over the fact that this month "The Longest Yard," with BOTH Adam Sandler and Chris Rock (see April and February's crushes), comes out. Someone out there is trying to kill me. "The Longest Yard" is a remake of the 1974 film with Burt Reynolds in Sandler's role, not to be confused (please) with trainwreck, "The Whole Nine Yards," from a few years ago.

When you watch this, do you see what I see? And dammit, they're friends too! (Picture me sobbing and drooling watching this.) It's about a 15-minute clip, so get comfy and crack a brewski -- it's so worth your while.

**AOL Moviefone: Adam Sandler and Chris Rock Unscripted**


(Ignore Burt, Nelly, et al)

The Balls to Forgive

I have a friend that said she once reached a point after a season of suffering that she asked herself if she really wanted to keep being a Christian -- did it really make a difference or mean anything in the end. She found herself in the book of Psalm 32, where is says "Happy are those whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Happy are those to whom the Lord imputes no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit," and realized that if there is one thing that distinguishes a follower of Jesus from a non-follower, it's that they will always know the freedom of forgiveness.

With a month of conflict behind me, some with even my best friends, I say hell-yeah. Though most people avoid conflict like the plague, there is actually no greater way to say I love you than be willing to confront it -- and no greater way to say I don't care than to continue ignoring it and let the natural course of a person becoming more and more distasteful to you run its full course. I have friends that I've lost or grown distant from because of maybe a word I said or something I did to hurt that I was unaware of -- simply because they chose not to tell me. In this month's issue of Vanity Fair, Angelina Jolie says of Billy Bob, "We just looked at each other one day and we had nothing to say to each other." That doesn't happen overnight.

And on the other side, one of my best friends is a person I've had more conflict with than anyone I know. Though there are plenty of Christians who don't cash in on the cow that brings new freedom, depth and understanding to relationships, I also must note that both of my above personal experiences are with people who are not followers, either in a partial or full sense -- no hating, that's just a fact. We're people and we all have a limit. We know it takes balls to engage in combat -- why don't we get that the same would be true about engaging in conflict?


Mr. and Mrs. Smith -- for how long?